Compliments that are Not Compliments

Have you ever heard and/or said any of these statements?

·         Your looks are so Exotic.

·         You don’t act like Regular black people.

·         That dark skin girl is so Pretty.

·         Oh you are so Cool, for a white guy.

·         Many ugly people are the sweetest people on earth

I know you meant well but those and many others are Not Compliments. Just like good intentions pave the road to hell, they hurt people’s feelings too. Some are them are backhanded. Most are based on stereotypes.

I got to college and was never told “I was very articulate” until then. As a lifelong code switcher, I've known how to rotate speaking slang & grammatical English depending on my audience. This particular day, I was in College Speech 1301 and I gave my first assigned speech that made the teacher “clutch her pearls” in delight. I thought in my mind, “Well I made an A on that one”. Then the professor said, “You are so well-spoken. Good Job!” My face fell from proud to confused. The three other black students looked at me with an “I understand” look as I went to my seat. After class one of the guys we called Rev. Eric (he was a minister) asked me, “You never had anyone say that to you”. I told him “No”. He said, “Welcome to a New Day”. We laughed. I knew what he was talking about. The statement wasn’t shocked that she said it. It shocked me that she said it to me.  It reminded me of the book “Vernon Can Read” by Vernon Jordan. I love how people believe a stereotype so strongly that they never see that they limit their mental & social understanding gravely.

I didn't meet my mother’s work bestie in person until she retired a few years ago. I was so used to being told by so many strangers that I was “So pretty to be so heavy”, I didn’t know how to receive a real compliment when I heard one. My mother came in and said, “Janie said you are so pretty”. Now, I was expecting her to finish and say “To be so heavy” and how my mother went smack off on her. Sad, society and its insincere compliments had me on the defense. That’s why I really want this crop top. That is such a powerful message. Not pretty or handsome for a “whatever” person. Either one you think a person is Pretty or Handsome or you don’t.

So if the compliment you give has a two-faced handle included with it or is based on a clichéd belief, don’t say it. We all have said them. I know I had it bad to say “Oh, he smells nice for a guy from the Middle East” in college. That was very rude of me and I am very mindful of what I say for compliments. I should have said, “That guy smells nice”. Nothing more and nothing less.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Michael, Robin & Ice

It takes a lot for me to call someone else petty. I know I'm a petty individual (Hello! Have you read this blog?) and nothing will change. Some small stuff (It grates my nerves for friends of  friends to click like on tagged pictures of their friend on FB) just bugs me and I understand that. Most people have a level of pettiness, some slight and some are extreme. So for me to think someone is being petty means that person or those persons have gone too far (Folks complaining about Blue Ivy's hair, your days are numbered) .

If you think that people can't mourn a young black man getting killed, a beloved celebrity committed suicide and donate & take a fun challenge to raise fund for a cause, You Are Petty. I want to believe most people are complex enough to have empathy, sympathy & joy in their hearts at the same time. The web is full of articles admonishing during the sad time of Michael Brown’s murder & Robin William’s suicide, people who will throw buckets of iced water over their heads in fun to raise donations and awareness for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's Disease".

I know I've mourned and donated at the same. I loved Robin Williams. He was so talented. My favorite character of his was Pappas in the movie, “House of D”. To use old urban slang, He did that! My heart broke to hear of him passing away. I read a notice from ABC News and was still in disbelief. They only celebrity death that did me that way was Whitney Houston. He will be missed. Depression is running rampant everywhere. We all need to talk before it’s too late. Robin Williams could be any of us.

If you follow me on Twitter you know for the past week and few days my timeline is full of retweets or my opinions on news surrounding the Michael Brown murder. I am outraged. Not just for Michael Brown but for the climate of change that has been needed for decades. I also want the chief of police in that area to fall on his sword and resign for that press conference full of lies. For personal reasons I didn't watch coverage of the funeral but I followed along with tweets from others.

Oh the picture of his family’s handprints on his casket drew me to tears. Heck I'm blinking them away as I type this. It was refreshing to hear that the students of Ferguson finally started school after a week long delay. Michael Brown was supposed to start college a few days after he was murdered and we say that education is key so let the students go to school.

Of all the crazy and harmful challenges people are into these days (Fire, Pass Out, Cinnamon, etc.) using a challenge to raise awareness to a crippling disease was smart. Who knew about ALS before the Ice Water Challenge?

I bet you know more now. I've donated. Ice water goes in my mouth not over my head. I have a relaxer. LOL The donation total at this point is over $88 million. That is cool. Who knew ice water could raise so much money?

You know other black men & women have been murder in police involved other than Michael Brown and know one posts snarky stuff about that. So, stop criticizing people for not being focus on one part of the world. All these little snarky articles and post doing so are not necessary.

We all care about lots of things not just what is in front of us at the moment and we move on. Yes, the world keeps turning but we still care about All that is going on. But that’s my petty opinion about other people’s petty opinions.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Bottoms Up (What I Wear)

So pants, capris, gauchos & shorts look funny on me.

I have a short torso and legs (Yes, I'm squatted 5'2") so, all of it is too long. There are not many plus size petite bottoms out there so I either use my middle school sewing skills or wear them long. My hemming skills are not that bad. I actually used to make my extra spending money hemming pants, sewing on uniform patches & replacing buttons in college. Yet, I'm still lazy and sometime I let my pants drag or pull them up around my bust line (Another reason why I don't tuck my shirts in).

Thought they look weird on me, I still wear pants, capris, gauchos & shorts.

Pants: I mostly wear pants during the cold weather months. If I wear a dress or skirt, I have on pants or leggings under them. I live in North Texas and it can get cold like Highs in the 40s cold. I don't usually wear long pants in the summer at all. If I do, it has something to do with modesty and a dress code for an event I may work as a server.

Shorts: Who wears short shorts? I don't.

God gave me short legs because he knew I would dress like this all the time. I love the short shorts and heels look. But for me to wear the style I would have to wear bathing suit shorts. So, I just admire it on others. Until God stretches my legs, these will be my shortest shorts. LoL

Gauchos & Capris:

I might as well call them tea length pants. That's how they fit.  Have on a cute tunic or a very short dress then throw on some knit capris and flip flops and I am dress  for on the go. They are very comfortable. They're just longer than everyone else's, thats all.

Maybe this 2nd grader knew, I wasn't going to be very tall.

That might be why she decided to wear dresses for a whole school year minus one day. Even her pants are too long. Oh well the pants didn't win her any athletic ribbons that field day. Maybe it is because I'm a non-athlete. But she was cute and in one of our favorite colors. :-D

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Sub-Wear (What I Wear)

Ok this one will be quick. I needed a piece before pants because I need some pants & jeans pictures. LoL You’ll find out later. I probably look like this under my clothes.

My basic underwear is bra, camisole/tank top and panties. Everything else is extra.

Bras: I only wear white, beige, & black bras. Nothing special about my bras.
Panties: Only wear white or black briefs, boyshorts, & thongs. When I was a little girl I wore all the colors & patterns that I could stand and made the "As soon as I get Grown" promise that I would not wear them. That is one promise I kept.
Camisoles & Tank Tops: They come is all the colors and patterns. I own them in all kinds of materials from cotton blends to lace. Like I said in the top blog, I wear them for modesty. People don't need to see my cleavage, big busted or not. Nor do they need to see my bra through some of my shirts. Sometimes a shirts is a little thin in quality so a cami or a tank give me extra protection.

Other Underwear Options I have other post about some of them check them out HERE & HERE

Girdle/ShapeWear: Some of you wear Spanx.Those are cute and trendy and I no use for them. I wear a Girdle [gur-dl].

 
The new trendy word is shapewear but it's still a girdle. Those are two forms the shorts and a body slip. Why do I wear one? So I don't jiggle in my clothes. This picture right here is HogWash to me!!! I don't want to jiggle

Slips: I'll say it again. If you wave your butt in front of me asking if I can see through your dress I tell you Need To or Should Have put on one of these.

I know your mother and grandmothers make you wear them and you made the "As soon as I get Grown" about wearing slips. But trust me slips Reduces that see through worry and keeps you dress from crawling up. Also it keeps you from asking smart mouth anything about what I think.

Stockings: I still wear them with my heels.

My feet sweat,my feet slide around and that makes my feet hurt. I think most people think of stockings they think of the Reinforced toe kind. or But they are many kinds. There are the sandal toe.

Still full coverage but not the ugly extra material. There are the toeless stockings. I like these because You can see my cute painted toes better in the summer. I also wear knee highs under pants. 

Wearing a full stocking is too hot under pants. Knee High are more comfortable.

So that is what this chick looks like under her clothes. Sorry, you had to use you imagination but this is the web. I don't have time to find out I'm on some nudey site because of my underwear blog post!!! Y'all didn't want to see that anyway.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Shirt on my Back (What I Wear)

Do you know how hard it was to title this post? I was go to be clever with the word top. Everything I came up with had all kinds of innuendo in them. “Hop on Top”, “Pop the Top”, “Who’s on Top” were a few of my choices. Yeah, not the look I was going for.

Tops are probably my most bought clothing items, especially white ones. One can never have too many of those. I only have one set rule about shirts & blouses. If it’s not a crop top,

Yeah, I want one

my tops MUST go passed my waist to at least midway my hips. I can’t stand to short shirts. Too short shirts are not comfortable. Here is an example. This is me in a purple strapless top. Ok look at closer view.

Look at those Red Nails

Form fitting but passed the waist and hips. People who know me always know when someone else bought me a shirt because of the fit. FYI There is one catalog/website one must NEVER buy me a top from, its name is Blair. All their shirts are too short. I don’t care how cute the top is, Too short is Too short.

I wear all kinds of tops. If the shirt or blouse fits properly around my bust, I will wear it. It’s how I wear it is what is important. Two styles come to mind on how I wear my shirts

V-Necks & Low Plunging: I love them but modesty is a must. Even going out for social events, too much cleavage is an issue for me. The picture of me in the purple top is as much cleavage as I show at any time

This what I look like
on Thanksgiving.
#Tired

• .As a big busted woman, I’ve learned camisoles & tank tops are good buddies to me. One of my better investment in clothing if I may say.
• 
  

Me at the wedding
Still wear that necklace

Sleeveless: I only embraced sleeveless for a short period in my adult life.

College Graduation Pictures

I was in a wedding and the couple insisted on sleeveless dress (and black). So the months before the wedding I forced myself to be sleeveless.

Then about in 2009 I went back to sleeves only.

That picture, in an informal baking class, was the last time I was sleeveless in public. I don’t like my upper arms.

Add caption

I don’t care how much weight I lose, my arms budge very little. (Actually I don’t work them out as much). So, until I get my arms together, sweaters, open shirts, shrugs & boleros are what I wear on my arms.

So that is what is on top of me. Yeah, I know, Bad Diva. LMBO Now off to find a pink blouse. A few weeks ago, I looked in my wardrobe and I realized I don’t own a classic one just t-shirts. So, I've been looking for one ever since. Spring & Summer items are hitting clearance sections so I’m trying to find a good deal on a cute one.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Best in Dress & Skirts (What I Wear)

I think one day I woke up and decided I look best in dresses and skirts. That day must have been in the 2nd grade. That school year I only wore pants to school one day for Field Day. My mother made me put them on.

Been standing at my most flattering
angle for years

They were pink casual slacks with a pink polka dotted blouse and pink tennis shoes. Only I had to be forced to wear pants. Guess I've been going against the grain for decades. 

I actually do look better in them. I mean I feel good in most of what I wear. I just like my body in dresses and skirts more. 70% of my wardrobe are shirts & dresses. If someone stole all my dresses and skirts, I wouldn't know how to dress.

Yep, Getting a Tattoo in a skirt

They aren't always the most modest items to wear but they are my go to clothing item. But they are comfortable and cute. And they match all my shoes from heels, flats and sneakers.

Dresses and skirts are also my weight loss indicators. If I put on one and I see a hint of stomach or it becomes shortened because of hip spread, I Must put on a girdle (for the young people & under a rock residers, shapewear).

Needed a girdle, IMO

 If denim skirt won't stay up that means, I've lost weight. Right now I have to buy a few new skirts because of the latter. I have knee skirts that now look tea length on me. That’s not cute.

Lost enough weight for this to
 finally fit right this summer
(No Girdle)

Rather buy new ones than gain weight to make them fit properly.

My only issue with dresses is proper length. I being short in legs and torso, most clothes never looks like it does on the models.

My dress was so short next
to the other
bridesmaid's dresses

Micro mins are minis. Minis are knee length. Knew length is Tea length. Tea length is Maxi and Maxis are dirty because I stepped on them or they are dragging the ground.  During the early 90s, I would pull my skirts under my bust line so they would fit like everyone else’s skirts. Thanks to spandex/polyester knit skirts of the mid 90’s, I could soon stop doing that because no matter what height you were those clingy things would crawl to the “perfect” short length. (My grandmother hated me in those. She “accidentally” shrunk one and sent my grandfather & me shopping to replace it. I replaced it with two more similar skirts. LoL) Now that maxis skirts can be wore as dresses that is how I wear mine as. I fall enough as it is, I don’t need any extra help.

This pics gets lots of compliments

So yeah, I am Best Dressed in a Dress or a Skirt. It’s not just my judgment, the world says so too. I've never been asked out or flirted with in anything but a dress or skirt.

Had a Gloria meets Marvin in Waiting Exhale moment
in the outfit LoL

Most clothing compliment I get are in dresses or suits. Maybe it’s my attitude while wearing them. I'll get back to you on that.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

The Alura & Monkey Toes Story

Yeah!!! I photo bombed the kids. I'm that kind of aunt!!! LoL

Alura & Monkey Toes are my niece and nephew. Alura is a grown person. Monkey Toes is school age. They are the children I will not be having and I Love them to pieces. On the internet I only refer to them by these names. Just like folks don’t need to know my name, they don’t need to know their names. Facebook included, I may have went to school with a now pedophile so, safety first. Oh and they both know there is only one someone that calls them these names. So don’t try it.

Like a few my cousins, cousin’s wife and myself, my grandfather’s sister (RIP) mispronounced our names badly. Well, my niece was no exception. She hates the name. I only used to call her that when she was irritatingly disobedient and I needed to get her attention. She would stop in her tracks because she knew I meant business. Now when Ms. Grown is getting on my nerves, I call her that in retaliation. It calms her down enough to understand that she’s bothering me. I get the same response every time, “Who is Alura”. 

The Monkey Toes story is very dumb but hilarious. Monkey Toes was a toddler and trying to show my mom his house shoes. They were little brown booties type shoes. He was clearly saying "My Toes" and she heard "Monkey Toes" and got mad. She said, "Monkey Toes, Who called you Monkey Toes? You don't have Monkey Toes.". I looked at her and said "You are. Because he is saying, My Toes. He's showing you his shoes". He had already showed me his shoes so I knew what the kid was saying. I laughed at my mother for an hour and that is how I started calling my nephew "Monkey Toes". He is now at the age where he is starting to ask about his nick name. LoL I can't wait to tell him the story.

Yeah, my niece & nephew have a silly aunt. But she loves them and that is what matters. Love you, Alura & Monkey Toes!!!

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Main Shopping Plus Size Issue (What I Wear)

I love Chastity Garner. She is one of my favorite fashion bloggers.

I love her book, "The Curvy Girl's Guide to Style". It is a Must-Read. Last week, she released an open letter stating she will be boycotting Target stores for their lack of plus-size options in their designer collaboration sections. HERE is the letter. Of course, some think her boycott is petty. Some that are plus size, also. I saw one lady say “You can't get upset because they don’t want to make larger clothes”. *sigh* It’s not about forcing designers to make plus-size clothing. It is about inclusion and respect.

I, a plus-size shopper will not shop in places that act like their plus-size clothing is a secret. I’m not talking about stores that don’t sell plus-size clothing. They don’t bother me because I know where they stand. Everything I wear is not plus size. I wear a 7-1/2 Medium shoe. I can’t get and will buy a shoe anywhere. I’m talking about stores that say they sell plus-size clothing but you can’t just walk into their stores to purchase anything plus size. You have to go online or to their outlet stores only to purchase anything plus size. Old Navy was the first retailer that lost my dollar. They moved their plus-size line out of its stores to their website only. This

dress I bought in 2009 or 2010 is the last anything I bought from Old Navy. Yes, I, An Avid Online shopper will not shop at a store that has physical stores, that will force me to only shop online. The store H&M has Never seen any of my money. Maybe it is my area but the only place that has the plus-size line is the H&M outlet store. So, why does a store with more than online shopping options do that to a section of clothing buyers? They claim that their plus-size consumers were for the most part purchasing clothing online or in the outlet so that is why they only sell those lines in those places. Doing acts like this says to me that these stores want Fat Folk’s Money but Not in Their Stores. I may be wrong but that is how I feel. Well since, my clothing is not welcomed in the stores, those stores are not welcome to my money. Stores like these have even made me research every store that announces that they are starting selling plus-size clothing to see if that is in-store & online purchases or outlet/online only. If a store does not respect me enough for me to be seen in their store purchasing items, they don’t respect me.

I understand Ms. Garner’s plight. It won’t be hard for me to join her boycott, I’m not a major Target fan. It’s never the first place I think of when buying anything. Why should plus-size styles be limited in their stores? Like I said it is about respect. When the male underwear section is bigger than the Plus Size section, that is not respect. But if they won’t respect pleads for acceptable designer wear then make them respect the $$$$ that they will be missing from their stores

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Changing For Like's, Lust's or Love's Approval

I don’t understand how some of us sometimes change ourselves all in the name of, like, lust, or love. If you have Never changed yourself for those reasons, I applaud you. That is not everyone’s testimony.

I was watching a video about a plus size lady asking should she lose weight to be more attractive in the eyes of her partner.  I had a client whose purpose for asking for my services, was to lose weight so her boyfriend would finally give her a ring. I have had a couple of guys who were willing to stop having sex altogether because I was celibate. People change their hair color because their partner prefers redheads over brunettes. Some go into debt trying to be someone else or look like someone else for someone else.

I said we because I have been guilty of this crime to self-esteem. Once, I was dating a guy who liked long hair that was not a weave. So, I grew my hair out over the summer. He gave me so many compliments. Fast forward to the next Easter and I got my hair styled in an up-do and it had weave in it. He made a comment of disapproval and well, we had the “you didn't pay for it” conversation. I then decided not to wear weave around him. The aha moment came a couple of months later when I cut my hair.

He gave his disapproving opinion and it hit me. I was subconsciously styling my hair to get his approval. That stopped that day.

Do we crave to be liked, lusted for, or loved so much that we let our like, lust, & love of other people dictate what we do with our own bodies? I had people tell me I was stupid for not a dating a man that would stop having sex because I was celibate. These were people who hadn’t had a man with blue balls cuss them out because of “what he did” so he could be with them (though him going sex-free was never asked of or told to him to do so (Yes, the thought of being with the Diva drives them to do… LoL)). No one else’s preferences or wants should tell you what you should be. No one should be so enamored & smitten with someone not to be whom they truly are. You lose weight for your best healthy self.

If you want to look like a celebrity then you go right ahead. You be who you want to be and if that attracts someone else then that person is attracted.

Oh, that is so easier said than done. Oh, the trappings of like, lust, love, and loneliness. Yes, I said loneliness. That is many times the root of the issue for those are the lonely type and those that are more romantically independent. We don’t want to be without a or that particular person we are involved with we do things to try to keep them. Changing our looks is an injurious chip at our own self-worth view. If whoever we are in a romantic rapport with desires or wants something that doesn't make you a better person for you then it is not going to ever be good. When it comes to selfless wants and desires for if it doesn't benefit you it can’t benefit the relationship because they are actually selfish.

Always attract yourself first and the rest will follow.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Complicated Relationship with Football

Well, Football season is upon us. Football is that friend that is your friend’s friend but you two are just on tolerable terms for me. I only watched the sport or participated in football-centered activities to be social.  I only join a fantasy league was to be social and to get my best friend to stop bugging me. I guess he saw real talent. The only reason I won a Fantasy Football league in 2012 was that I could read stats and I had RGIII (until they gave him a concussion) and Joe Flacco on my team. Fantasy Football was not what I thought it was. I thought it would be like a pick team that will win week to week. Found out I was owning & coaching a team, which was work. Well, my computer was dying last year and I could not be on the team. I heard the guys including Football Nerd were upset I didn’t come back to defend my crown. Couldn’t play when I didn’t have the proper equipment.

 I tried to explain that but oh well they just had to get over it. This year, I don’t have the heart to join one.

Oh yeah, just as I was calming down about missing my Football Nerd so much, Wham, here comes Football season. It’s like I didn’t make any concessions with feelings when it came to this sport. Last week was a murder on my emotions. Just the word, Football was giving me cry face (cry face: extreme sad face, looks like one is or could cry but that message was not told to the eyes). It started Sunday. Then forgetting I follow my alma mater on Twitter I saw a tweet that Lamar University and Grambling University were playing against each other again like last year, on August 30, on Wednesday.

Football Nerd was a graduate of Grambling. Last year, we got to be rivals on the gridiron. He tried to bet me but I didn’t see his email until after the game. Lamar beat Grambling!!! Of course, I tagged him in a bragging post on FB. Do I get to share that with him in the flesh this year? *sigh* Thursday, his brother tagged him in a post on FB about missing him on the first day of the football season. It was very easy to have empathy for his brother. I had to like it in agreement. I don’t know if I will ever know anyone who loved football like my best friend, Football Nerd. My Diva Bestie asked if we were going to go to the Grambling and Prairie View game in September during the State Fair of Texas. *sigh* I don’t even know, yet. I don’t want to be crying during a football game. That doesn't sound cute at all and I am cute.

And that is the latest of my frustrated complications with football. My main frustration is its timing issues. One Day, All Sports are going to RESPECT the TV schedule and get finished on time or get cut off!!! I say sport right now because all sports are guilty of running over. Right Now, Golf has preempted 60 Minutes and Big Brother for the evening. Football is the worst offender of staying on schedule. This past Thursday, the Pre-season game of the Cowboys and the Charger caused CBS to move its scheduled primetime shows to other stations. I am glad I saw the scrolling message at the bottom of the screen or I would have missed the live double eviction of Big Brother.

Poor Amazing Race moved to Friday’s this fall. My guess is because football was ruining his ratings on Sundays. I know I stopped watching two seasons because of football delays. I think Fox scheduled all their Sunday shows to premiere after Football season. It is so sad. Do sports make that much money for the networks that it has NO RESPECT for their programming? It’s downright rude if you ask me (I know you didn’t but I told you anyway). Until networks put their feet down and start pulling the plug on these long winding games, they will continue to run amuck. I know I am not the only person that feels that way. I see all the groans on Twitter when favorite shows are delayed.

Oh well, are you ready for some football? It’s frustrating but fun to watch. I’m a hometown girl so, “Go Cowboys”!!! In memory of my best friend, Football Nerd, “Go Steelers”, too!

Wonder who will be performing for the halftime show at the Super Bowl? In the words of Richard Pryor, We Shall See!!!

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms