Help Me Understand: The “When Will We… "Attitude (Not Being Proactive)

I am beginning to think it’s me, not others. I really think I am too pretentious to deal with people. Today on I saw a post on social media that basically said, “Had not hung out with you guys in a while. When are we going to hang out for old times’ sake?” Alright straw, it’s time to hurt the posterior of camel. I’m tired.  

Trips, Pool Parties, Friend Reunions, Family Reunions, Dates (Yes I’ve heard a possible dater say “When are we going out on a date”), Church Programs, School Programs, you name it I have heard at some time “When will we…” What is with people who don’t have proactive attitudes? I’m not talking about people trying not to take over events. I’m talking about people who want to do something but want somebody else to plan. I’m talking about people who tired of planning stuff and nobody shows up. I’m talking about the people who are quick to say “We should…” but really mean “I want to...”

I’ve seen & heard this so much I think it’s me with the problem. Maybe I’m too much of a social go getter for my own good. If I want to do an event I plan it. Just this Sunday I wanted to go to Brunch, I planned and invited my best friends to brunch. I share birthday plan with one of my best friends. We discuss what we want to do and we invite people. We don’t say “We need to get together for our birthday” to the people that we want to celebrate our days with. And yes It ticks me off when people say they coming or say they will do something and you make plans and they flake but that goes with life.

I think instead of “When are we” how about “I want to…” or “Let’s plan…” I bet you would get a better response. Stop passing off what “you” want to do to something “we” want to do. Be proactive in your wants. Passing it off as a “we” event will get “we” results and that may not include anything you want.

I think in the future when I see or hear “We Need to…” or “When are we…” I will say “Stop Asking and plan. Be Proactive" I think I am going to do that. I really will try.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Passive Aggressive Selfishness: A 2013 Confession

Unless you are at my house on Thanksgiving & Christmas, you probably never seen me be selfish. Truth be told some of those people don't see it. I’m usually not selfish. I am the person to invite people to events and then send a reminder to people even if they didn't say are coming. I’m the person who gives phone calls to people after events to see it they made it home ok even after I said "Call somebody so we know you are safe". I’m the person that will "sometimes" sit with the person who doesn’t dance or is overly drunk. I send out “Thinking of You” text or email to buddies. I’m the person who will let other chose places I would not even want to go to ad never say a word unless you asked for my opinion or the place is majorly horrible. Well until this year. I limited my actions about 75%.  This minor temper tantrum had been brewing for some years.

Last year(2012) I said goodbye to the longest friendship I ever had two days after my birthday. For a year, this person was at the point of calling me but I can’t say they truly ever asked about me during the conversation. This person had not wished me Happy Birthday in three years. And this person had Rent-A-Center call me twice for a reference without asking me or saying thank you. As the Muppets said it was time to say goodbye. I'm not into one-sided friendship, relations or rapports. Well when you delete people out your life you have brain space to think about other folk’s crappy behavior that is getting on your nerves. I then noticed when job interviewers calling me for folks who didn’t tell me let alone ask me to be a reference. So I put some folks on notice about that. Then I noticed all the people I invited to events that say they are coming but don’t come and don’t ever say they‘re sorry even be so bold to comment on the pictures posted on social media. I thought about my personal friends I invited and said that they were coming to my mom’s retirement party my sister and I hosted. I remember being hurt, embarrassed & furious because I’m calling to see if they are lost and not one of them were coming and probably was not going to call to say anything had I not called. That was three years ago when that happened. So I decided to do an experiment on myself and see if I could be just as selfish.

First experiment was Brunch in January sent a text to my crew that brunch and got answers from everyone but one. So I sent reminders to everyone but one. I knew I could do this. I decided to take a sabbatical from Revues and I did (still am Might go to one on the 27th). Didn’t even actively entertain talking about one unless I felt like I might have wanted to go to one. I even had to tell Pal, No, twice. LoL On My birthday I only invited people I knew would come. And I am happy to say of those (who I invited) who were not able to make it all contacted me or my fellow birthday Diva to say they were not coming. If I've not received "Happy Birthday" from someone within the past two years, I didn't acknowledge their birthday. If it was a place I wanted to go and those I usually hang out with didn’t want to go, I found other people to go with. I had one friend to finally speak on one of my outings without them. The friend said just because they didn’t want to go that didn’t mean that they wouldn’t go. I didn’t want that someone to feel obligated to go so I still went with someone else. If anyone called me asking how come they had not heard from me, I didn’t hesitate to tell them communication works both ways. If a person said they will call me back, they had to call me back for us to talk again. Oh my ex turn male best friend learned, No is still learning that one.

Anyone who is reading this and is sadly affected by my actions I’m sorry but... I get tired of talking. I had to let my actions show people that I have feelings also. Yeah, your life is busy but what about my bank account and other guests paying gratuity for a reserved space you said you’ll fill and wasn’t even courteous to send a text to say you won’t make it. Life is not that busy. Others do it, you can too. I know you needed a job but knew before you wrote my name down as a reference. Yet you still did not ask. Heck you didn’t even call to tell me you use me as a reference after the interview. So, I didn’t call those people back but I warned you last year. You said you would call me back. I guess I’m still waiting for you to call me back.

In conclusion (Sounds Scientific, LoL), all was not a loss. I learned a lot. 1. I didn’t used to be like this. I let overly niceness let others walk over me. Somewhere I was not being the true me. 2. You learn people will miss you and the things you do for them. And it’s real easy to see those who miss you and those that just miss the things you do for them. 3. Being selfish is hard. 4. Some things are just a part of you. Being nice to be nice is hard to break. 5. Some people will Never learn. Somebody is reading this blog and still will not learn. 6. Prepared myself for backlash. And folks not walking into 2014 with me. 67 Most important lesson...I am too old to have to say this to Adults. Maybe some of the people I personally & socially interact with are not Adults and just Grown Folks.

Well onto the experiments for 2014. Yes, experiments in plural. They are doozies, too.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Help Me Understand: Viral Fight Videos

Okay let me get on my Bougie (Bourgeois) & Stuck Up Microphone and say this, “I hate fight videos and just like the folks who are fighting, I think the folks that are filming should have charges pressed against them also because they are instigators”. Yes, I said it. I haven’t ran to watch a fight since middle school maybe early high school. Doing that stuff (yeah I almost cussed) is dangerous. Between the guns the fighters may have and the running away the spectators may do, I choose another route towards safety called “not being there”. I don’t see my own fight as entertainment let alone someone else’s.

Well with the invention of camcorders, camera phones, and internet media, the rise of “fight videos” is beyond belief.  I don’t see what is so entertaining. The most recent one that is talked about is “Sharkeisha”. This is the viral video that has taken Twitter by storm. It shows a girl, named Sharkeisha, beating up a girl named Shay for sleeping with her boyfriend. On the video, you can hear Sharkeisha's shocked friend yelling at her, "Don't kick her, Sharkeisha!" Yet the “shocked” “friend” is taping this and has post this somewhere for the public to see. At first when “Black Twitter”(Here is the definition) signifying, about this, I thought they had made some “ghetto” spoof of the Sci-Fi movie “Sharknado” (I’m a sucker for a good spoof) so I went to YouTube and saw this and I wanted to weep. These are young women (including the videographer) who could be in college, work, or doing something productive other than fighting.

Yes the fighting is wrong, but I understand that part. I don’t understand filming it as entertainment. This type of entertainment is all over the internet, (Facebook, YouTube & World Star Hip Hop are the places where I see many of them), talked about in our social settings like it is water cooler conversations and passed around like a funny email. So, somebody explain it to me.

As I’m writing this I thought of one reason. Maybe this is the “Safe Way” to watch (run to) a fight like we did in school. I just wish they would go away and never return. Stop promoting & glorifying violence and call it what it is vulgar and gross. Stop giving these videos “Most Watched” nominations and the thousands of “Likes” that they’re getting and ignore them and allow fade away and not be cute anymore.

Oh Ms. Sharkeisha was arrested. I bet she’ll blame the victim only and not her “friends” video for her arrest. That’s too much like right.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

 

 

Help Me Understand: Butt Slapping and Squeeezing

Okay many of my random blog topic come to me during my random thought time or late at night when I’m trying to go to sleep. Then there are times when I watching something non-thought provoking and a subject come to me.

I was watching the Newlywed Game. The questions was Name something your husband does not think is manly. One of the wives said “Touching his butt”. My mother and I laughed and said we know some guys who feel the same way. Then I said I don’t get slapping and squeezing butts anyway. And then this blog topic came up.

I asked my ex turned best friend and he said “To find out if it's soft and like to see it move”. Ok that made sense for a moment. Maybe for someone who has a round butt but why do people who don’t have those get smacked. Why do women smack guys on the behinds? To find out if it doesn't move. I just don’t understand what is supposed to be sexy about it.

Y’all help me understand slapping and squeezing someone on the butt. I’ve done it once or twice and still don’t get it. Was there a social or bird & bee lesson I missed along the way. I get rubbing it in an intimate way between two consenting adults. That makes sense. But random slapping and pinching, I have a question mark on my face.

Maybe that’s why I react to being hit in a Not-So-Sexy way. I just don’t understand. Probably identify with one of those husbands on the Newlywed Game. The nicest thing I can say and have said is “Don’t do that” but y’all know I forget to be nice when I feel violated.

Well maybe someone will help explain it fully to me. Maybe something people do that will never be explained in a way I will understand. I just don’t understand Butt slapping and squeezing. And keep your hand off of mine.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

College Graduate Confessions: My Response to Those Who Didn't Go

Starting a new Blog Series. College Graduate Confessions. Had some down time and my mind got to going on thoughts about me being a college graduate. Enjoy

I am a College Graduate. Actually my degree is 10 years old this year (August), Yay! I stay on top of my professional study courses as much as I can, also. One day I’m going to get my Masters (No I'm not a person constantly say that either).  Life will not stand in the way forever. But it amazes me how many people I know that feel the need to say in my presence how they were tired of school when they graduated high school. I have been asked/told whether I like been in school numerous time in life.  Maybe it’s me but it is So Annoying. From the time I was graduating high school until this day there are these people that feel the need to say it. I feel like a jerk if I respond but this my blog and I can be a jerk if I want to.  So is what I want to say so badly.

I knew I wanted to go to college since I was 9 years old. I knew I belonged on a college campus when I was in high school hoping that college had to be better than this. I was 85% correct. Portions of college can be just a Dumb as high school. I chose college it didn’t choose me. I didn’t go because everyone else was going to college. I wanted to go. Yes, I like going to school. I like learning. You chose your path and I chose mine. Now let go live our lives.

Okay I got typed out. Trust me most people in the world know that every one is not College material. Most people know every one can not go to college. That's what make our world so beautiful and diverse.

It is just that some people don’t get that they sound as annoying to me as those people that brag that they have their BA from Lah-Lah, MBA from Blah-Blah and getting their PHD from the story goes on. (Yeah those that Brag about their degrees get on my nerves to). I don’t know if people are saying that they didn’t go to school because they feel inferior and want to justify why they didn’t go, want you to feel bad for going to school, or they are just aimlessly talking thinking they are fitting in. It is probably a strange combination of all three. I just want it to stop. Especially around people like me who don’t care what you do with your life as long as you are a decent citizen to this world. They are slime balls with and without degrees, everywhere. Just care about not being one of them.

I’m just tired of hearing it. We all need to live our own lives. We don’t owe anyone an explanation as long as it is right and good. So let’s get back to living our living as decently as we can make them.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Rom Com Love Life

The best way to describe my dating life is a Long Running Rom Com Series. I came that conclusion after being in a club convinced by a close male friend that a guy’s eyes were glistening for me. I get on the dance floor with said friend and put my Best Moves down. Sat down, dude approached me and said “Why isn't you friend looking back at me”. And this “Will & Grace” moment was when I started to notice my dating life for what it was. I can’t stand Daft Punk’s “One More Time” after that event. My Best moves! My best Moves! My Best Moves! Wasted!

Added to the plot line, I am actually friends with some (not all. That’s not normal) of my ex’s. One ex is considered one of my best friends now. If we break up and I (and only I) say we can be friends, I mean it.

I got the wedding invitation of an ex (we grew up in the same church that’s how met. Dated well over a decade ago) turned friend the day before we rushed Momma to ER. Mentally, I picked out my outfit and was going to call Pal (Yeah he’s finer than the friend. Can’t drag BFF’s or my sister to all the weddings. Now that I think about it this particular ex escorted me to another ex’s wedding over a decade ago too. Wow, Patterns) to go, That Day. Then Life happened and I forgot. Heck, I forgot to gossip to my friends that he was getting married until after the fact.

I knew he was in a serious relationship. My sister first  saw her at a funeral. This time last year he ask for my opinion about some earrings for her. I finally saw her at his Dad's funeral this summer. I hated, I miss the nuptials.  I'll save the outfit for the next wedding or funeral I must attend at Foundation church.

I was telling my friend, Pink Red about it. (The conversation was the inspiration of this Blog) She was shocked (overstatement) I was invited. I was not. My love life gets invited to uncomfortable situations all the time. I usually pass with A’s or High B’s. Voluntarily bringing others along for the ride is what gets me B’s. Being single for so long, I think it has given me time to think. If we are friends now, then We. Are. Friends. Now. No need to not be in their corner for whoever they date or decide to marry, because I’m not dating them. And they better be in my corner when I get married. I’ll need them as ushers and somebody will have to walk my down the aisle. I’m fatherless (Yes, I am laughing through those last statements).

So here is are some questions. Are you real friends with any ex’s? Would they invite you to their wedding? Would you invite them to your wedding? Leave a comment below.

 

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms.

What is in a Blog Name? (If You Write It…They Will Want to Gossip)

WoW, my most read blog posts are the ones I gave controversial titles and scold people for coming to it to gain gossip from it just because of its title.  I didn’t realize it until I got an email (not a comment a cowardly email) from a reader (I actually know this person offline) who told me 
“If you don’t people to be nosey don’t give your blogs the names you give them. You can’t be mad just because of people just trying to get the tea. That’s mean!” 
That reader can do me a favor and stop reading my blog forever.

I’m used to attitudes like this. I grew up in a place where my family is known. (Not the whole city but our little community, jobs, schools, & churches) Not powerful but known. The picture non-family members and non-friends paint of us is a conservative, goodie-goodie, law-abiding, bougie, well-to-do, nice people with a few loud rabble-rousers we keep in line sometime. Of course, that is not the total picture of us. Some of that is not even in our real picture.  And of course, I’m not thought to be one of the rabble-rousers. I grew up with people who had expectations for me made based on who they thought I was all my life. I love breaking those expectations based on thoughts and opinions and not facts about me. Since I was not thought to be one of those family rabble-rousers I lived my life in the open but since they were looking at the rabble-rousers, I could go unnoticed. Then when they would actually look over and see me doing what the rabble-rousers were doing, the fingers and tongues go to wagging. 

Then they would have to deal with another part of me. The “Tell You Off” part of me. Back when I was a teenager that might have included insults and profane language. Now I handle it with a little bit more finesse. Either way, I don’t mind telling people to stop boxing me in based on their self-made expectations, opinions, or experiences of or with me. Then don’t think that they can find anything that disqualifies me from the box they put me in. I don’t mind at all.

I title my blogs my way and my way only. I’m just trying to be creative. And yes, Creativity has its critics. I just know that my blog will be read by many of those folks that box me in and then try to boot me out of that box. It's also read by my people who love me. It is also read by people who truly want to get to know me and know how I think. I shared this blog on my emails & Facebook page that is Not under the name of OUTSPOKEN_DIVA but my real name.

So, I am aware that somebody with a gossipy spirit will think they got the Tea, Cocoa, and Coffee on me. There are just some people that just won’t accept what you see is what you get. See me for Facts that I Am and not your Opinion I am more than likely Not!

Sexuality Questions is the highest read. Folks want to see if I'm coming out of a closet I've never been in. LMBO But  My Favorite Holiday get no love. I guess it's not Interesting enough!!!

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms