Friends With Your Ex (Answering Questions)

Got an email to answer. Yay🎉👊👍

Q. I just broke up with my love. It was mutual and I feel like I still want to be friends. I know you're friends with an ex or two. Do you have any advice?

A. I think might have covered this. Yes, I am/have been friends & friendly with a few of my exes. All Exes Can NOT Be Your Friend or You Friendly With. I am friendly JMac & Rom Com. We don't talk often but when we do, we really genuinely catch up and reminisce with one another. Football Nerd was one of my Best friends. Our friendship looked pretty much like my relationship with my other besties. My rapports with these men are/were not easy but not greatly difficult to maintain. I have 4 points for you to consider.

-Define Friendship & Define Friendly
What is Your HONEST definition? Is your ex a picture definition of it? Just "still wanting them in your life" is a wishful starting point but not a firm meaning.

Football Nerd still wanted me in his life. Our friendship was a learning experience that is not textbook in the least. WoW, that could've been a cool joint effort of a book. *sigh* I'm sitting here now reminding myself, God Loved Him Best.

-Does your ex want to be friends?
Friendship is different a relationship. It has to be mutual.
 1. Some exes just want to be Cordial when they see you and move on.

 2. Let "We Can't Be Friends" by Deborah Cox & R.L. be a guide
     -"Verbally we agreed It was over and we were through
I'm trying to compose myself"
     -"I went by Mother's, saw your car there To her you're still family, and it don't seem fair"
     -" May see me hang my head
When you come my way"
I think those lyrics are most important in considering wanting to befriend an ex. Friendship is Still a relationship.

-Draw the Line & Recognize Their Line
If it is not set properly, the friendship will be befuddled. RomCom set a line and I didn't even know we needed one.

"Let's go see the Passion of the Christ" "Let me get you home before you have to sleep on the couch" He was drawing his line. If I made one on one plans, it was always for public events before 6 pm. So, I drew my line.

-The Friendship Dynamic Can/Will Change.
It's Life!!! We all have friends that we used to be inseparable and now we talk when we get a chance. That could happen with the ex-to-friend bond also. Since JMac is not local anymore, our interaction is mostly via email.

Unless you are one of my grandfather's nieces, most people are not sending monthly newsletters to keep up. Holidays & June (both birthdays) we end up catching up then. Still my boy, life just redefined how we get to be friendly.

Oh Bonus: Side Hugs are Best. Full embraces are intimately dangerous. Keep some space between you guys.
If I was a supervillain, my name would be Side Hug Master. Many people Hate them & I'm a Master at them. 😂😂😂

Side Hugs have a Wikipedia page
👊😂👊

Hoped this helped. Keep me posted.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Friends' Exes & My Ex's Friends (Not Interested In Dating)

Every time I think I am finished with this series, another topic comes up to be talked about. This is a grey area to some but a Very Black one to me. I don't date my friend exes and my ex's friends. Bottom line is that it is a Messy situation to be in.

I've vaguely touched on this in a previous blog. My friend's exes are off-limits to me. I don't even know if any of my friends have banned me from their exes. I made them off-limits to me. I banned me. Most times most of my friend's exes are not my type. My Diva Bestie, TT, and I have the most similar tastes in men aesthetically. I remember when she introduced us to the guy who was casually dating at the time blog-named, Telvin. He was a nice guy. I kept telling her that. And Telvin was a good man... for her, not me. Also if my friends and I dish on who we date, we dish about many possible things but bedroom activities & the couple's secrets (unless mistreatment is happening). By the time the couple breakup, parts of the unsavory side of their ex are already known. Most times their unsavory side is something I can't deal with. Yeah, that is so appealing.

I pay attention to the friends of the guys I date.  Even what that my guy says about them. Why? Because there has to be a reason why they are friends. Something in this guy drew these people to his life. Watching his friends give me insight into him. Many times I have dated guys wondering how was he friends with certain guys. Some of the very things that grated my nerves about the guys I dated were the things that drew him to these. Okay, my worse boyfriend used to act obnoxious in the movies. One time when the usher came in to give the "turn your phone off" speech and he yelled, "Oh, so you're not taking drink orders". I cringed. Well, I met his friend blog-named, Shaun. He was an extremely cornball jokester except at his job. I went to dinner with just them once. I immediately saw the draw. They were so unpleasantly goofy & loud together. I never want to hear a "That's what she said joke" again in life. They had to have told them all. Also I another reason, I would never date my ex's friend, I don't want to see most of my ex's again. Again that is a mess brewing to happen. Yes, I am talking about the bad ex list. My good ex list thinks as I do on this topic. How do I know? We've talked about it.

Those portions of the Girl Code, Bro Code, & Friendship Code are safe with me. A guy has to be God-Sent for me to be that interested. Situations like this just scream Maury Povich or Jerry Springer to me.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

The DUFF and My Dislike for the Term

DUFF means Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

The ugliest pic of me I could find.
And I actually think I was cute for
the end of the school day 

I don't know if I have ever been anyone's DUFF. I might have and didn't know it. I don't care too. I know people who have been the DUFF and they felt like crap. I have been accused of having one. And that is not a good feeling at all.

 I can't wait for this movie to come out. I'm going to see it in theaters.
1. It has an eye candy lister in in it. Romany Malco is the principal. 2. Strangely the teen angst movies of the millenium actually helps me understand my high school days. I first saw it with "Mean Girls" (We All were Mean Girls to somebody) and I have feeling this movie will be an aid also.

When I thought my forehead was big

High School was just that High School for me. There were ups and downs and by the time the last semester rolled around, I couldn't wait to graduate because I knew College was going to be much better. I went to a small turned gigantic magnet school for high school. Trust me the same high school social issues happen at magnet schools. Magnet school students are the same as those at a regular comprehensive school. They just did better academically in middle school. I came away finding out two things about myself when I left high school.
1. Proving to Adults, that tried to box me in, that I am smart is Fun (I did a stint in Summer School because of Chemistry. Counselor wanted me to drop down to the Regular High plan and that was not acceptable. The next school year we got a new counselor. And I did well under her & stayed on the Advance plan.) 
2. I hate for anyone to think I am mean & malicious to anyone I consider my friends. (The reason for this blog)

The same crap that gets me praise for now got me looked at weirdly in high school. I was a Christian, Plus Size, Sarcastic, Nerdy, Black girl that liked to read all types of books especially one with black characters. My grades were high A's to average B's (except for Chemistry). No matter how smart a-word I could be or how frequent (very) cuss words left my mouth, I was thought to be a good girl with many of the guys (Learned that my Senior year, the hard way). I was the teacher's pet to teachers I thought were Stupid (That is a phenomena that started in the 4th grade).  My favorite teacher was the most dislike but most respected in the school. I dressed by my own rules. Any random day, I would wear dress clothes, just because I like dressing up. I owned an obscene amount of cotton/spandex blend short skirts.

Looks at those shorts

My shorts (culottes actually) were knee length and longer. And the few times I wore jeans (I'm gonna blog about it, I promise), they were elastic waist mom jeans. They only thing consistently current or trendy about my look was my hair. I had a standing salon appointment every two weeks. I did gossip a tad but I was Not the go to gossip person. Oh and I was extremely clumsy. I fell a lot. My knees cuss me out about it, daily.

That face screams "Snark"

I guess I was "Popular Enough". I got invited to some of the parties. The popular people knew me. One of the popular people was/still is my friend. I ran with a small group people that resembled most of the same personality quirks I had, except for grades or smartness. That aspect varied. I ran with people that were graduating early or with honors and I was also friends with people who did Not graduate. Also the people I hung out with varied in looks. Ok I believe that No One is Ugly, They Just Don't Look the Way You Want Them to Look. Well, I ran with someone most people at school didn't look like they wanted them to. One day one of my other friends, who is also still my friend, actually said that was why I was that person's friend. I didn't even know how to respond to such a horrible accusation. So, I confided in another friend and I found out that one thought that about me with not just the one friend but also the friend that I was confiding to them about. So, I quietly did a poll of the others and found out most of them thought that person didn't look like they wanted them to look. I also found out that a few more thought I only hung with that person to make sure I looked better. I also quietly polled my non-school friend and family and they thought that about that friend and other outside of school friends also. I hated to know people thought that of me. Well being a teenager, what did I do? I tried to make sure that person looked good. That was what the teen angst movies of my teen years suggest I did. That failed big time because that person was comfortable in the skin they were in. As they should've been.

Look at the roller prints in that hair
Still wear that dress around the house

We grew apart once I went to college. That person visited me once while I was at UT-Arlington and I knew then we were worlds apart. We haven't spoken since then. The two accusers, are actually the only friends from high school I even still speak to without the aid of social media. Trust me, God is going to have to break us up. We have hurdled a lot worse issues than this. We are not the same people we were in high school, at all.

But I was Not that person's friend just so I could look better. That is a gross thing to do. I think that DUFFness is actually a natural occurrence among friends. DUFFs are not just the "ugly friend". DUFFs can be the "not a book smart friend", "goofy friend", or maybe the "not the same gender" friend of a group of friends. It's just a natural occurrence that somebody is different in someway in the group. If my opinion is ever proven true, we all are/will be DUFFs at some point in our friendship life.

My Rom Com Love Life

The best way to describe my dating life is a Long Running Rom Com Series. I came that conclusion after being in a club convinced by a close male friend that a guy’s eyes were glistening for me. I get on the dance floor with said friend and put my Best Moves down. Sat down, dude approached me and said “Why isn't you friend looking back at me”. And this “Will & Grace” moment was when I started to notice my dating life for what it was. I can’t stand Daft Punk’s “One More Time” after that event. My Best moves! My best Moves! My Best Moves! Wasted!

Added to the plot line, I am actually friends with some (not all. That’s not normal) of my ex’s. One ex is considered one of my best friends now. If we break up and I (and only I) say we can be friends, I mean it.

I got the wedding invitation of an ex (we grew up in the same church that’s how met. Dated well over a decade ago) turned friend the day before we rushed Momma to ER. Mentally, I picked out my outfit and was going to call Pal (Yeah he’s finer than the friend. Can’t drag BFF’s or my sister to all the weddings. Now that I think about it this particular ex escorted me to another ex’s wedding over a decade ago too. Wow, Patterns) to go, That Day. Then Life happened and I forgot. Heck, I forgot to gossip to my friends that he was getting married until after the fact.

I knew he was in a serious relationship. My sister first  saw her at a funeral. This time last year he ask for my opinion about some earrings for her. I finally saw her at his Dad's funeral this summer. I hated, I miss the nuptials.  I'll save the outfit for the next wedding or funeral I must attend at Foundation church.

I was telling my friend, Pink Red about it. (The conversation was the inspiration of this Blog) She was shocked (overstatement) I was invited. I was not. My love life gets invited to uncomfortable situations all the time. I usually pass with A’s or High B’s. Voluntarily bringing others along for the ride is what gets me B’s. Being single for so long, I think it has given me time to think. If we are friends now, then We. Are. Friends. Now. No need to not be in their corner for whoever they date or decide to marry, because I’m not dating them. And they better be in my corner when I get married. I’ll need them as ushers and somebody will have to walk my down the aisle. I’m fatherless (Yes, I am laughing through those last statements).

So here is are some questions. Are you real friends with any ex’s? Would they invite you to their wedding? Would you invite them to your wedding? Leave a comment below.

 

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms.

My Chosen Family

I love the quote "Friends are the Family, God Let me Choose". I have a wonderful group of friends. God has really blessed me with great people in my life. I have 4 Best Friends and 6 Close Friends. More Like 4 siblings and 6 cousins.

Last year I had to end my longest friendship (Almost 25 years) ever. It took me actually a year and a half to end it because it hurt so bad. What was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back? For the 2nd year, she didn't say "Happy Birthday" to me. That sounds petty but this was the only person for 10 years who knew not to call me right at Midnight on that day because I am praying. She always waited until 12:15 am.

I don't meet strangers but I didn't keep friends growing up. I look back on my younger life and I didn't have many true friends, just mostly family-approved children I socialized with. I had to admit she was just another one of those. Our older lives are so different and our friendship did not mirror the qualities possessed by my other friendships. It was time. It was becoming very one-sided. She probably ended her friendship with me years ago. Probably hasn't even noticed I chose to leave her life.

But over that year and a half, I noticed my friend's values and goals mirrored mine. My friend's basic lifestyles mirrored mine. Their standards mirrored mine. Their hearts mirrored mine. Their love for God mirrored mine.

That's not a coincidence. That's God! It's why nothing I say shocks these people into thinking I'm loony toons. It's why time, space, secrets or distance doesn't not define these friendships. I don't have a friend that I can't call to pray for me whenever about whatever. God knows who I need as friends and he knows who I need to be a friend to.

I thank God for my Friends. I don't take that title lightly. I hope I am a Friend to them as well as they are to me. I don't need to name names they know (Watch one of them say "No, I wanted my name called"). I love You Guys!!!