Isn't That Part of the Game

*Spoilers are in This Post*

Are any of you guys watching Love is____ on the OWN Network? I'm a Will Catlett (That Guy, First, Black Lightning), who plays Yasir fan. I saw him on a commercial for it and I had to watch it. The well-written storyline is keeping me watching it. The plot is a black influential couple, Nuri & Yasir in 2017, tell the story of their escalation to prominence & love in Hollywood that started in the late 1990's. It is based on the love story of the show's creators, Salim & Mara Brock Akil.

Both characters come with relationship baggage. Nuri dated multiple men at the time she met Yasir. Yasir had a roommate with a few benefits, named Ruby. He was unemployed, slept on her couch for 5 months and they had sex twice. Yet, Ruby is very jilted. Especially since Yasir has moved on to a job & a new love life. Ruby feels like she prepared Yasir for his new phase. (I feel like she enabled him, actually. But I don't write the show.)

But isn't that part of the game. Don't every dating, romantic & sexual we experience prepare us for next of love. I'm going to paraphrase a common dating advice quote. Sometimes a person's purpose in another's life is to help them become a better person for another person. Everyone is not your "end all to be all", but everyone is a learning lesson. I sometimes think we are taught to understand that lesson late.

I often wonder why we don't understand that fact. Why do we let obvious temporary intimate involvements hurt us when they are over? I am often led to the same thought. "Love stories" we are steered to follow, enhance the happy ending relationship. But also in the path of people to get to the finale, the teachable storyline is there.

Pay Attention to it All!!!

As Always Talking to You In Adult Terms!

What Have I Told Y'all About Those Beards?

I saw this on Facebook. I was shocked. Not shocked that beard toupees exist, I'm shocked that my thoughts are being proven true. I'm not usually attracted to or date men with full beards. I also think guys with lots of hair hide their secrets better. But you knew that because you read my post HERE.

The fake beard lifting off of a male face tells me this man is not about the lying life he thinks he is. His face can't handle that amount hair on it. Might be more truths (Keywords is might) coming from the owner of this face. And I might be able to detect a lot more b.s. coming from that face.

And to answer the question, after a quiet deep breath & sigh I would encourage him to leave it off. He will more than likely look better to me without it and would tell him that. Smile, bat my eyes, & stroke his arm & hands to accompany my words. If I am close enough, I might even stroke his face so he would know I want to see his face. He's already embarrassed, no use of me being a jerk about it. I would only break out in laughter and tease him if he's an a-hole because of the situation. It's the same reaction I would have if the guy's toupee on his head fell. But I prefer low haircuts & bald heads, also.

Trendy pop culture foolishly influencing the "rules" again.  When we all figure out how to be comfortable at any stage of our looks, life might feel a little bit better.

I won't let style tell my clumsy 5'2" body that thinly crafted high heels will make me look sexier. A man shouldn't glue a hair rug on his face in order to be handsome. Too many low pump wearers & mustache havers in relationships and very single stiletto & beard lovers that debunk those trendy mindsets.

As Always Talking to You In Adult Terms

mEXsy

I saw this on Instagram. I can't see this being answered any other way. But everybody doesn't think like me and I try to learn from others, so I read some of the comments. Most thought as I did, but some did not. Here are some of the quotables.

"I wouldn't be marrying a man who is jealous of a car"

"We as a team are going to accept it and then laugh at his ass while we trade it in and choose something we like"

"Can he replace it or nah"

"...I'm either donating it or selling it and spending the moolah on my hubby"

Those are their views. Some I understood and some I do not. And I can't and won't argue about those views.

I only have one answer for this meme. I am a person who has been invited to and/or attended an ex-boyfriend's or two weddings. A person who would let an ex walk her down the aisle or be the officiant at her wedding if I was in a pinch. Because you can still be friends/friendly with some of your exes in My world. But even a friendly rapport can go left. The only answer I understand is "Send It Back". Matter of fact, my fiance wouldn't have to tell me to send it back. We might have a tiny argument because he felt the need to say that. Dude, shut up & know me. And not only am I sending the vehicle back, but all of the Miss Manners in me will also send the ex-boyfriend a card. He'll think he's getting a cordial No, Thank You.

Outside of Card
&
Inside Message

Instead, he's going to get the reason why we are still broken up aka I'm full of shade & can't let crap slide. Only a messy man (or woman) would send such a lavish yet disrespectful gift. Stick to the Tupperware & $20 gift cards on the wedding registry.

That's a way how good exes become bad exes. It is also why furniture gets rearranged when some of us see bad exes. Some exes just don't know how to play their role in your life. But it is okay for you, the star of your life to remind them of who they were cast as. Shine Bright!!!

As Always Talking to You In Adult Terms

I'll Try (Answering Questions)

Yeah, I see what the youngsters are talking about sometimes. Sometimes I ignore it on purpose. Sometimes I pay attention, just in case the behavior bleeds over into my generation.

Q: We're around the same age, can you explain "pre-dating"?

A: You've been seeing that term on Twitter, too. I think I understand Pre-Dates as basically casual meet-ups guys & gals go on to "test the compatibility waters". I think they are free or dutch activities like at a park or coffee shop. They're supposed to be getting to know one another.

Before you ask, I'm not against it but not totally on board. First dates are awkward. Even after you have a couple of phone conversations as I do before going out. So, I get it. Actually, by definition, I may have gone on a few Pre-Dates in my 20s. Meeting at the bowling alley since I'm already there sounds similar. My hesitation of acceptance is because Pre-Dates screams "F-boy behavior". Couldn't "Netflix & Chill" be a possible pre-date? And one of the reasons I saw on Twitter was to check if she "worthy of a real first date, where real coins are spent." I understand dates can pricey, but that kind of guy needs to sit his cheap predatory tail down somewhere with that mindset. Maybe the lady should check if he is "worthy of her time she is spending".

So, finding out why someone is suggesting it is important. Seriously, check out those pre-dating reasonings & attitudes before meeting up & going out. Your time may be saved.

If you have questions send them to C.OUT.SPOKEN.DIVA@GMAIL.COM. I'll answer them the best of my ability.

As Always Talking to You In Adult Terms

Another Ring Thing!!!

This is not an unknown topic. It is just not one I've talked about here.

My answer is Yes! I would want to know why does he still have that ring. He could have sold that ring before proposing to me. That ring was bought with someone else in mind. Not me. It also still has an untruth tied to it. An omission is still not telling the truth. And before saying it's just a ring, think about all the story behind that ring. If it was a family ring, all the history behind that ring be proudly told. Can't be too proud when you don't tell all of this ring's story.

Ladies, Would You Have Issues With the Ring?

Gentlemen, How Would You Handle This Scenario?

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

I'm THAT Single Friend

Video popped up HERE and it struck a nerve. Yes, she is clearly a "pick me", but the attitude of her message is why I purposely function as a different type of "single friend".

I have two friends that are married and 2 that are dating. My sister is also married. I realized I was thought as the stereotype of the single friend when I realized I was the go-to "Do your girl have a friend" or "My boy would like some company" friend a few times in my early to mid-20s. Not any of those guys met my basic standards and they were boring. I quietly got annoyed so, I made it my mission to never be seen or function as the stereotype of a single friend ever again.

I try my best. I've learned to not offer advice on relationships. If I do give any, I preface it with "Remember, I'm not even dating anyone".

Only a few of my friends can complain to me about baby mamas or daddies, ex-SOs, step kids, or in-laws. I'm a logical person, usually. And I hate to fight over the frivolous & petty, but I have hands & words for anybody taking advantage or just won't act right. Before I invite my married or dating friends out to ladies-only events, I make sure to have a few clues on the SO feelings about the event.

Once, a friend's former SO told the friend's mom about a planned ladies' night after hearing about it days before. I thought that was crazy for the SO to do so, but a lesson was learned. Oh, I also don't constantly commiserate about being single. Not just in front of them, I just don't. Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but not at any cost. Stereotypes whine about being single.  Next thing you know, you'll be set up on dates with guys you matched with on a secret online dating profile. And since I am only 3% favorable of dating friends or relatives of friends or relatives, an explanation of why I need to spend time with a guy is required. Just because I am single & he is single is not a viable reason.

Yeah, many of my friends' SOs or former SOs probably think I'm a weirdo. And some had to learn a new way to think. But hey, I'm just keeping our rapports as cordial as possible. Functioning as a stereotype is not an honest lifestyle for me. Being my honest self is my best way to cordial.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Just Pay and Stop the Debate

I see this topic often. I didn't even know gender roles & societal norms could influence such arguments like this one. This was never a dating lesson discussed in my home. This was never a gender role lesson for me growing up. Yet, the answer is common sense to me. I'm talking about the topic, "Who pays for the date? Him, Her, or Dutch?".

1st off unless a couple is at least eight months into a committed relationship(You should be close enough to make plans together & know a few one another's financials)

or have this discussed before going to the outing, Dutch is Never an option. I've never been asked to "Go Dutch". I hope I never experience that on a date. How do you invite someone, somewhere and expected them to help you foot the bill?

My answer is Him or Her. It depends on who asked who out. Who requested the date? That's who pays. I'll never open a door in the presence of a man, but if I asked him out I pay the bill. And I have several times. I remember asking Stumpy, the Worst Boyfriend Ever about his birthday plans. He had none.

So, I took him to Cheesecake Factory. He questioned me about the bill and I just chuckled. He didn't invite me to celebrate with him. I took him out, why would I expect him to pay? If a guy asks me out, I expect for him to pay. Oh, I make sure I am quietly prepared for some foolishness, but I don't expect to pay for that date.

This is another reason why I don't go on dates before at least having 2-3 telephone conversations. And hey, if you're unsure and/or want to go Dutch, Ask!!! Believe it or not, people tend to answer with the tone of their voice.

Like I said, I wasn't taught this. I was schooled to watch his eyes, teeth, & shoes. I also was taught to not act like an opportunist & to order the priciest stuff on the menu. But I had to figure who pays for a date on my own.

If I'm "wrong" and someone can find and discuss with me some factual evidence(not Googled societal norms on manners) on why I am, be my guest. I'm always ready to learn.

As Always Talking to You In Adult Terms!!!

Romantic Rapport (Answering Questions)

I promise there will be a glossary in the back of my memoir. Yes, please LoL at that sentence.

Q. You use the word "Romantic Rapport" a lot. Can you define it?

A. My basic definition is all forms of nom-committal dating. But you guys know I can't leave this at the basic meaning. It's my term for Dating. I don't particularly care for the current (since 2005) state of dating styles.

The current standard looks rather uber casual. No one asked for my opinion so, I deal with is out there. Well to match my over-analyzed thoughts with the "trends", I use the term Romantic Rapport. A rapport is close association of mutual respect & trust. Add that to a synonym for affection or fondness, you get a term created by my mind.

Could it be the time period between meeting & a committed relationship? Definitely Yes!!! It could also the description for an affectionate affair amongst friends. It is not limited to sex. All dates don't result in sex.

And all "dating" people are not having sex. Oh and it doesn't include pairs who are just having sex. Sex & Romance don't always function hand in hand. Booty Calls & Friends with Benefits are what I would call Sexual Rapports. That's not Dating, in my opinion that's just people having sex. Oh situationships, now that a romantic rapport. A messy one, but still under my definition. LoL

A non-committal bond of people that are attracted to one another. That how I will define Romantic Rapport. Yeah, that's it.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Love Provides Air Conditioning

These questions are for my fellow BBWs & BMHs. Do you see a decline in date offers in the Spring & Summer? Have you gotten more "Hey Big Head" texts once the temperature drops?

This post has been a long time coming. The subject matter has baffled me for years. But recently during a work commute on the DART light rail, I overheard two younger-than-me ladies talking & this post had been birthed.
Right: Girl, F--- him. Bet he'll be in your face when it gets cold.
Left: By Big Girl season, I'll be busy. I ain't gon' want his a--.

All I could do was shake my heard & think, Is Big Girl/Boy Boy Season Real? I hope not. Please be a bad generalization based on their lives. But I see the memes & the tweets. Somebody believes in this.

I've known I live parts of life blessed, for a while. I've never been told, "You're Pretty For a Fat Girl". But I can not negate that many others in the community have been told that. Also, I've never dated a guy who verbally claims to have never dated a big girl before me. Either the dates plus size women exclusively or didn't have a type & dated across the weight board. So, I've never dealt with those backhanded compliments & situations. So, Big Girl & Big Boy season could exist and I legitly could never experience it. God, Life, Fate or whatever you believe in knows I won't handle that mess well.

If it does, Make It Stop!!! Fat Folks aren't the dating world's bed warmers. Get yourself another blanket, if that's the case. If one's attraction is not 365 days of a year, one is not attracted. And don't use sweat as an excuse. Love Provides Air Conditioning. Like has an oscillation fan. Lust at least a ceiling fan. And decency offers people a glass of ice water.

Big Girl & Big Boy season is backhanded. Fat folks don't have to get what they get when they get it. Eff That!!! Every Season is The Season to date a BBW or a BHM. Now run fetch me that glass of ice water, while I chill with the air conditioner, oscillation & ceiling fans running. I'm That Kind of Pretty Hawt And Tempting Lady.

*wink*

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Funniest Date Fear

Saw this meme in a Facebook group. I'm a Christian & not keen on a first date being at church. First dates are already awkward & unknown. Imagine some church missionary coming to meet you like this guy's date. Heck, I just got nervous typing that. Going to each other's churches is important. I just think that might be the step after introducing him to my friends, but before introducing him to my family. I definitely don't want to do it for the first date.

I once read a story about a lady meeting a blind date at the church on a Friday night. She thought maybe the guy worked there and they would leave once he got off work. That was not the case. The date was a Church Shut In service. A Shut-In is an all-night worship service in which participants engage in a variety of spiritual educational activities like prayer, testimonies, singing & listening to music to usher in the Holy Spirit into the participants' lives. 

The crazy part is that I have a fear I will end up having a church date like that, someway, somehow. It is probably one of the main reasons why I question people when they want to play matchmaker.
Wanna Be Matchmaker: They have to have a job. Love their mom.
Me: Ok Yeah
Wanna Be Matchmaker: And they have to be into the church
Me: Oh No! Oh No! You are Not qualified to set me up on a date. No! No!! No!!!
That scene is a true story.

So yeah, Let's hold off on the church visits for 4-6 months of exclusivity. Gives us a chance to observe each other outside of the church. Allows me to prepare for the church mother & the pastor. And if a church shut-in is what "spend the night together" means, I'm not your girl.

Love that the guy wants to fully share God with me, but that is very intimate. I think that will go on the engagement or married activity list. While dating, we'll find other ways to show one another our God in other creative ways.

Don't show too much, too soon.

In the comments, let me know if you would go to church as a 1st Date.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Friends With Your Ex (Answering Questions)

Got an email to answer. Yay🎉👊👍

Q. I just broke up with my love. It was mutual and I feel like I still want to be friends. I know you're friends with an ex or two. Do you have any advice?

A. I think might have covered this. Yes, I am/have been friends & friendly with a few of my exes. All Exes Can NOT Be Your Friend or You Friendly With. I am friendly JMac & Rom Com. We don't talk often but when we do, we really genuinely catch up and reminisce with one another. Football Nerd was one of my Best friends. Our friendship looked pretty much like my relationship with my other besties. My rapports with these men are/were not easy but not greatly difficult to maintain. I have 4 points for you to consider.

-Define Friendship & Define Friendly
What is Your HONEST definition? Is your ex a picture definition of it? Just "still wanting them in your life" is a wishful starting point but not a firm meaning.

Football Nerd still wanted me in his life. Our friendship was a learning experience that is not textbook in the least. WoW, that could've been a cool joint effort of a book. *sigh* I'm sitting here now reminding myself, God Loved Him Best.

-Does your ex want to be friends?
Friendship is different a relationship. It has to be mutual.
 1. Some exes just want to be Cordial when they see you and move on.

 2. Let "We Can't Be Friends" by Deborah Cox & R.L. be a guide
     -"Verbally we agreed It was over and we were through
I'm trying to compose myself"
     -"I went by Mother's, saw your car there To her you're still family, and it don't seem fair"
     -" May see me hang my head
When you come my way"
I think those lyrics are most important in considering wanting to befriend an ex. Friendship is Still a relationship.

-Draw the Line & Recognize Their Line
If it is not set properly, the friendship will be befuddled. RomCom set a line and I didn't even know we needed one.

"Let's go see the Passion of the Christ" "Let me get you home before you have to sleep on the couch" He was drawing his line. If I made one on one plans, it was always for public events before 6 pm. So, I drew my line.

-The Friendship Dynamic Can/Will Change.
It's Life!!! We all have friends that we used to be inseparable and now we talk when we get a chance. That could happen with the ex-to-friend bond also. Since JMac is not local anymore, our interaction is mostly via email.

Unless you are one of my grandfather's nieces, most people are not sending monthly newsletters to keep up. Holidays & June (both birthdays) we end up catching up then. Still my boy, life just redefined how we get to be friendly.

Oh Bonus: Side Hugs are Best. Full embraces are intimately dangerous. Keep some space between you guys.
If I was a supervillain, my name would be Side Hug Master. Many people Hate them & I'm a Master at them. 😂😂😂

Side Hugs have a Wikipedia page
👊😂👊

Hoped this helped. Keep me posted.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Opinionated Attempt to Answer First Date Questions

Because I Still Believe...

I would like to be in a dating relationship. I do want to get married. I joke about not getting married until I'm age 65 (He has a check & I have a check) as a joke. Yet, life might be taking me to task on that idea. I was having quick (under 5 minute) talk about Will I ever get married with my friend, Blog name, Jay-May and it hits me. I HATE whining about me being single. LoL But I am going to have to learn to stop discussing my desire to be in a relationship with a few people in my life. Those people fall under one or many of these 3 categories:

• People who think they have a kinship and go on an on about the woes of being single. (No "Being Single" conversation should last more than 15-20 minutes and I don't like having that conversation more than once a month.)
• People who want to tell me why I am single (and strange enough unhappy). Yeah, they are an assuming bunch of self-appointed advisors.
• People(mostly those who MUST be in a relationship to survive) who feel they need to play match maker (offline & online). I'm even going to stop joking with these folks because they do not get my brand of comedy at all.
  

It freaks me out and I never see those annoying behaviors creeping up. I'm always deep in before it dawns on me that I am having This conversation. Having the conversation too much places my mind in continual thoughts like:

• Am I actually too Lame to be dating. Am I too Serious to date?
• While going off the market and getting me together, did I missed Mr. Right?
• Was there ever a Mr. Right? Am I like Apostle Paul, Oprah and countless of others who feel like single(non-married) life is the life for me?
• What if I have some funky aura that causes potentials to be grossed out?

I don't like dealing with those kind of topics unless I am suppose to be doing the "Me" work and I must deal with these certain points head on to function in life. But just to dwell on them makes me feel desperate. I Hate feeling desperate. That's how I spent to much time dating losers just because they liked me.

I mean those losers were life lessons but, I don't need to be in that headspace all the time. That headspace is the venue for dating pity parties. I got other stuff to do other than to attend that life sucking event.

Because I still have the faith in romantic love, doesn't mean I need to be down on myself because I not experiencing it now. No one should be down on themselves. And I am refusing to be pull into the talk anymore.  Oh well, back to my self-love inner lair. I'll stay there until I am to share this love with another.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms