Have you ever heard and/or said any of these statements?
·
Your
looks are so Exotic.
·
You
don’t act like Regular black people.
·
That dark
skin girl is so Pretty.
·
Oh you
are so Cool, for a white guy.
·
Many ugly
people are the sweetest people on earth
I know you meant
well but those and many others are Not Compliments. Just like good intentions
pave the road to hell, they hurt people’s feelings too. Some are them are
backhanded. Most are based on stereotypes.
I got to college and was never told “I was very articulate” until then. As a lifelong code switcher, I've known how to rotate speaking slang & grammatical English
depending on my audience. This particular day, I was in College Speech 1301 and
I gave my first assigned speech that made the teacher “clutch her pearls” in
delight. I thought in my mind, “Well I made an A on that one”. Then the
professor said, “You are so well-spoken. Good Job!” My face fell from proud to
confused. The three other black students looked at me with an “I understand” look
as I went to my seat. After class one of the guys we called Rev. Eric (he was a
minister) asked me, “You never had anyone say that to you”. I told him “No”. He said,
“Welcome to a New Day”. We laughed. I knew what he was talking about. The
statement wasn’t shocked that she said it. It shocked me that she said it to
me. It reminded me of the book “Vernon
Can Read” by Vernon Jordan. I love how people believe a stereotype so strongly
that they never see that they limit their mental & social understanding
gravely.
I didn't meet my
mother’s work bestie in person until she retired a few years ago. I was so used to being told by so many strangers that I was “So pretty to be so heavy”, I
didn’t know how to receive a real compliment when I heard one. My mother came
in and said, “Janie said you are so pretty”. Now, I was expecting her to finish
and say “To be so heavy” and how my mother went smack off on her. Sad, society
and its insincere compliments had me on the defense. That’s why I really want
this crop top. That is such a powerful message. Not pretty or handsome for a “whatever” person. Either one you think
a person is Pretty or Handsome or you don’t.
So if the
compliment you give has a two-faced handle included with it or is based on a clichéd
belief, don’t say it. We all have said them. I know I had it bad to say “Oh, he smells nice for a guy from the Middle East” in college. That was very rude
of me and I am very mindful of what I say for compliments. I should have said, “That
guy smells nice”. Nothing more and nothing less.
Always, Talking to
You in Adult Terms
