Wrote a Poem. Wanna Read it... (Poetry Corner)

No, it doesn't rhyme.

Proof I Wrote It

It is probably more of a performance piece. Might post a video of me reciting it one day. I'll keep you posted. Here it is...

Time to be Ousted

I know I can't ever hold him again on this side of the horizon

But, I'll be daggum if I look up at Heartache's mug everyday

Grief and Sadness can't ever stick to the lease contract

Just had to sneak their sibling in to squat

All three together always wreak havoc

Month to Month tenants trying to take over

The permanent residents are in an uproar

In addition to my Ticker being struck

Joy, Happiness, & Hope are displaced

The Eyes’ plumbing is overflowing

And the penthouse resident, Ms. Brain is not getting proper rest

Oh but I own this building called The Body

So I, the Landlord is cleaning house

Memories, you can stay but you little friends got to go

Sorrow Triplets, it is Eviction Day

Get Your Crap and Get Out!!!

Dating and the Grieving Process

I love how my posts open cans of worms that I never intended to look at. A reader emailed me a few weeks ago asking since I was still posting entries on the “Not Interested in Dating” Series, Did that mean I was still on the dating market. If I was still on the market, that was very brave & bold of me to do so.  I told the reader that I would address that here, just in case somebody else was wondering that too.

I took myself off of the Dating Scene. I don't know when I will return right now. I said through the summer but actually, I have some emotional work to do. It’s a lot of variables including the dreaded “What If” and “Possible Absentee Explanation” variables, I have to look at. I'm still writing his letter. Dating will go on a “to do” list. And No (A Definite No) I will not announce when I come back. You'll see me when you see me.

Oh just in case you are wondering. I’m getting better. Having “Happy Tears” days. I just had one Sunday during church. “The devil’s Already Defeated” Slowly stopped me from talking about the hurt so much. It annoys me actually to discuss the hurt all the time. I’m hoping this should be my last post dealing with it for a while. I know I have one more Emotional hurdle to climb but that won’t come up for a while. So until then…

I learned that dating and grieving don’t mix for me around this time 10 years ago. My grandfather had just passed away in February. I had just met and had started “talking” to a guy, (that is now considered my worse boyfriend to date and we will call Barracuda for this post) a month prior. Common sense & Hindsight now say I should have cooled things with him in February. Nope, I let Barracuda become a comfort in my grief.

Let me give you the lesson now. Grief does not need a Bandage. Let it heal on its own.

I looked up and Barracuda (I have to give credit to my cousin, Clois for that name. LoL) was annoying me badly. The cloud of heavy grief had lifted and clearly, he was not making sense. Our dates were not of OutSpoken_Diva style. Was I really at basketball practice for a date? Did he just call me to chit-chat at 3 am on a weeknight?  Oh, he would say the most obnoxious statements in front of my family & friends. One of my favorite cousins while “sizing him up” at a party asked him why he liked me. He said, “Oh 'cause he's cute in the face and chunky in the waist”. He didn't laugh or act like that was inappropriate at all. I overheard that and cringed. Had he been acting like this the whole time? Yep, big time. And those are the ones I can tell you about here. Many friends at the time, including my BFF, thought I was just finding faults to break up. Eventually, they understood my concerns. First, I thought about entering the “Barely Not Cheating” mode. The only person that knew I was touching that mode was my friend, Pink Red. That took up too much time, so I scratched that. So, I decided to address my issues with him so maybe some resolution could be found. That didn't work. So by November, I went into “Dating, Just to have somebody around” mode. And I stayed there until I had to dump him because his obnoxious actions were ploys to hide the truth. That Truth got him to put on the “Bad Ex” list. The whole truth came out years later after I dumped him got him made the Leader of the “Bad Ex” list. No, I will not tell you “the whole story”. Only my mother, sister, and “Chosen Family” members know that one. And don’t guess because your mind doesn't think that way.  Let’s just say I relate to a few fictional characters in current literature.

Now with  Hindsight being 20/20, this could've been avoided. But I must have needed to learn this lesson with experience.

All I had to do was end things shortly after the funeral in February of 2004. And that is a decision I stand by. If the relationship I am in (if I’m in one) is Not “Serious” when someone close to me passes away, I’m ending it. Grief masks a person’s truth in dating. The mask hinders learning about someone.  My true self was probably masked also. Strangely enough, I was very patient & calm with him during that period. I was scaring myself so I know when I finally snapped I startled him, too. I don’t live life behind a mask. Dating is a part of life so I have to be fully visible while doing it.

One day I'm going to learn to say Yes & No answers to Yes or No questions.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms