Being Church Hurt: Recovery Mode

Warning: If you usually respond to church "controversies" with "That Is Why I Don't...", LEAVE NOW!!! Never in the mood for those attitudes. This is MY blog. DISCUSSIONS ONLY!!!

I can honestly say God laid this post on the heart. I am a Recovering  From Church Hurt Christian. That's My Truth. Oh, and I still attend church. Not in the way people, who are not me would like. But I still attend. I'm not here to talk to the church people who hurt us. You'll understand why later. I am not even going to tell you the many ways & places, I have experienced church hurt. I want us, the "Church Hurt", to get better. There are so many people hurt by people in the church all the time. The crazy part is we don't always talk about being hurt in positive ways. Like the humans we are, we complain about how we were hurt. But what are we doing about healing hurt?

• Looked At How I Was Raised: I was raised to not drink the church's Kool-Aid without lemon. It is something that people who know that I was raised by the chairman of the deacon board, church clerk, & assistant youth director are shocked about.
  
  But yeah, I was really raised with that mindset. The best lemons I've always used were Common Sense, Study, & Understanding. Common Sense makes you hear the right or wrong that is said. Study to know for yourself and not just prove folks wrong. Understand that All people, including church folks, are just as human as you are. And humans are really flawed.

• Be Honest With Myself: In a previous POST, I said I denounce all Christian denominations as a teenager. I just wanted to be Christian. But I was a minor and had to wait until I was 18 to leave foundation church(what I call the church I grew up in). At age 20, I made the step to not go to foundation as much. But I was still going sometimes with my friends' churches, that were other Christian denominations. In that process, those churches & people annoyed me. I was really seeing their faults, but I was the one at fault. I was not being true to my feelings about Christian denominations.

• Shut Up, Leave, Find: Being "church hurt" was not the reason why I left my foundation. I just think differently than them. But when I express some of my views, most times in non-verbal ways I was hit with much judgment. The blows still hurt. One day, I quietly yet officially left. Some people find themselves being non-religious but spiritual. Some change religions. Some are still searching. I found myself on the road to healing at another church, a non-denominational church. I've gotten a few bumps by a few church folks(definition are HERE) but I am learning how to handle them.

• Learn to Respectfully Put People in Their Place: A lot of these church people know they are wrong in how they treat people. My mother taught us to put everybody(including Adults) that are out of place, in their place. But she never taught us all the positive ways how. I am learning snark, sarcasm, & shade are not the only "nice" methods. I had to learn to be respectfully honest when someone who has church hurt me in the past says, "I've been missing you". I say, "No, you haven't. Let's just Hi and don't lie" with a smile of comfort.

• Define & Show My Christianity: Nobody can love God for me. Since I chose to love him in a Christian manner, I have to follow the rules.
  
  One of the rules is "Love One Another". I am working on that. It's easy to viciously finger wag & bad mouth someone who "Church Hurts" you when they do wrong. But an eye for an eye, we all end up blind. If I hate how they treated me, acting like they do is dumb. I have to show them how to treat people. I must show them the truest meanings of two other rules, Matthew 7:1-3 & Matthew 7:12

• Pray: I made this most important step last, but it goes within every step as I recover. I have to make sure I'm doing & saying the right thing. I don't want to hurt anyone, in or out of the church. (I wonder if I have "church hurt" anyone) Only God can properly guide me. And one of the best ways to seek his guidance is in prayer.

Again I said, I'm recovering. I'm on the road to getting back to wholeness. Whole people Live Whole Lives. Hurt People Hurt People. Both statement are easy to understand. One takes work. All great things do.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Who Am I? Thanks Black History Month!!!

*It's long. Tried shortening it. That made it dumb. So, it's long*

A photo (Not my photo & can’t procure permission from everyone in it, so I can’t show it) of my foundation church Sunday School classmates & me when I was maybe 17. (My Hair said 16. ‬My dress said 16 or 17. My feet say 11. ‪My Classmates say 17 or 18) ‬that surfaced a few weeks ago on Facebook, took me way back. I remember that smart butt bought to the nerd. She winks back at me all the time in the mirror. She's my personality foundation! But a time shortly before then, you would’ve thought co-switcher was my professional goal. There was a time I didn't show all of me everywhere.

If the term code-switcher was a popular thing when I was growing up, explaining the type of person I was to people would've been so much easier. I've been a Black Christian Nerd for many, many, many years.

My mind could have easily wandered
to this thought as a teenager
LMBO

I've been Black all my life. I was born that race and I identified with many parts of "being black". I didn't become a Christian until I was 13. Oh, I was baptized at the urging of my family at 8. But I didn't accept him as my savior wholeheartedly until then. (We'll tackle that another day) Plus, I was "churchy" and that doesn't hide. And I have been a nerd as early as age 4. Yes, one day a few years ago, I sat and pinpointed the moment.  I didn't want to go to daycare after the 1st semester because I couldn't "say some of those words in the book" like a couple of kids my exact age at church that I thought was dumb. I also felt like if I was going to "school", why didn't my teacher give us homework like my sister (who is 7 years older) had? Yeah, I know. Who wants homework? Hey, I felt like I should've learned more that scriptures, pledges, Lego blocks, & the lyrics to "Love Come Down"(Oh, I was Evelyne Champagne King!). My grandfather was tired of my fighting after Christmas break so, I was at home until time to go to public school. Yes, I regretted wanting homework years later.

Now since a "black nerd" was not pop culture entity until the 90s with the characters of Steve Urkel & Carlton Banks (even though there were so many non-stereotypical others, including Laura Winslow & some of the cast of a Different World), I didn't realize I was a nerd until I was in high school. Black & Christian was a combination I could explain. Unless you were angrily against being Christian, no one bothered people about being a Black Christian, as they do now. Black & Nerdy, I could explain it. I had friends who were like me watching & analyzing Star Trek, Next Generation, X Files, Power Rangers, V. R. Troopers, Degrassi High, ect on the phone.

I had friends that I shared a love of writing fan-fiction about the current Black stars & singers, we thought were handsome.

My Bedroom wall aka My Muses,
sometimes when I was younger

This was before the popularity of the internet so, who knows where those papers are. I've had that kind of buddies since elementary school. The interesting part was that those friends were only at school. Oh and alas, being a Christian Nerd. It is hard to explain to church folks & educated anti-Christians that you believe God is the creator of all and you believe that Big Bang Theory & Evolution is just a technical explanation of what he did. Now, two Black Christian Nerds (though I don't think they would use that term) were raising me, my mother & my grandfather. In their stories of their past, I learned that my grandfather was put out of a high school class & my mother was put out of a Sunday School class because of this view. So, I internalized that I better "keep my head down" on that view. I just added the behavior to all my other code-switching styles and didn't show any "nerdy" qualities as much as possible at church. Well, that behavior couldn't be hidden. And one day I decided that it was going to be seen.

My foundation church was one that pushed the importance that we should learn black history. In February, they went all out. The weekly congregational hymn every week was "Lift Every Voice and Sing"(I rant about folks not knowing this song is the previous POST). The Youth Directors & Sponsors put on wonderful programs & musicals.

But my favorite was the weekly "Who Am I" riddles. Every week after the church announcements & before alter prayer, one representative from one of the various youth groups gave clues of someone in Black history. Sometimes, they were easy. Sometimes, they were not easy. I loved them because many times we would learn about somebody other than the same people. A few years before I did a riddle about one of the 1st Black Post Masters in Dallas and it was cute & got applause. But that was only because I personally knew the person. This one time I was picked as the representative for the Youth Ushers. So, the assignment had to be easy for me but stump the congregation. Well, in an old VBS book, the CEO of the publishing board, R.H. Boyd Publishing, T D Boyd, III  (HERE is the info of him & his family) was being talked about. Our Christian curriculum books came from that place so, he had to be a big deal for them to talk about him in one of our books. That was the answer to that assignment. I just needed to read it. Well, the day before I was to present was the Youth Usher meeting. The president, this girl I was friendly with & I will blog name Robbie, ask me who was I presenting. I said T D Boyd, III. She told me to do somebody that people would know. Then she said "Ain't nobody gonna guess him. You always have to go too far. Always a know-it-all nerd". At that moment I had had it and I went off. "Yes, I am a know-it-all. I know I'm not 5 and am well pass doing Harriet Tubman & Booker T. Washington. Just because you don't know who he is, doesn't mean somebody else won't. And what about the other folks who don't know and may like to know". After enough eye-rolling and neck twirling, I grabbed my purse and left the sanctuary.

That night I thought long and hard about not being all myself at church. I had to stop "hiding" what was not being hidden well. I was a nerd and I didn't think exactly like some of the congregation. It's not like they were going to oust me. I am not my mother. The teacher that put her out wasn't even my teacher. I came to church that Sunday, Ready. I did me "Who Am I" and a few people answered correctly so I said with a big grin, "You are correct". I looked at Robbie so I could gloat but she gave me a thumbs-up before I could. Oh yes, Robbie & I are still friendly buds. That was the ups & downs of church teenage angst. From time to time, we've run into each other at the church I go to now.

I never really know how I convinced myself that I hiding that part of me at church. As I look back my thinly veiled attempt to be stereotypical church cool was as weird & awkward as I could be. Plus, it was rather dumb since I went to high school with 3 people from church.

I figured better give it a personal touch.
I looked like this during that time.

I think it was my public speaking mask (another blog another day) that I hide behind or the smart-aleck teenager that I blame my antics on anyway. But once I stopped doing it, it opened my eyes to other nerdy, weird & awkward (they may not call themselves one) members there. I also learned that I was not the only person who believes in God & in evolution, also, Oh, there were still people that think I'm a weirdo but that's life. There are some people I think are weird, in and outside of the church. That's what this world is filled with mostly a bunch of weirdos trying to live the best life they can.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms