Being Church Hurt: Recovery Mode

Warning: If you usually respond to church "controversies" with "That Is Why I Don't...", LEAVE NOW!!! Never in the mood for those attitudes. This is MY blog. DISCUSSIONS ONLY!!!

I can honestly say God laid this post on the heart. I am a Recovering  From Church Hurt Christian. That's My Truth. Oh, and I still attend church. Not in the way people, who are not me would like. But I still attend. I'm not here to talk to the church people who hurt us. You'll understand why later. I am not even going to tell you the many ways & places, I have experienced church hurt. I want us, the "Church Hurt", to get better. There are so many people hurt by people in the church all the time. The crazy part is we don't always talk about being hurt in positive ways. Like the humans we are, we complain about how we were hurt. But what are we doing about healing hurt?

• Looked At How I Was Raised: I was raised to not drink the church's Kool-Aid without lemon. It is something that people who know that I was raised by the chairman of the deacon board, church clerk, & assistant youth director are shocked about.
  
  But yeah, I was really raised with that mindset. The best lemons I've always used were Common Sense, Study, & Understanding. Common Sense makes you hear the right or wrong that is said. Study to know for yourself and not just prove folks wrong. Understand that All people, including church folks, are just as human as you are. And humans are really flawed.

• Be Honest With Myself: In a previous POST, I said I denounce all Christian denominations as a teenager. I just wanted to be Christian. But I was a minor and had to wait until I was 18 to leave foundation church(what I call the church I grew up in). At age 20, I made the step to not go to foundation as much. But I was still going sometimes with my friends' churches, that were other Christian denominations. In that process, those churches & people annoyed me. I was really seeing their faults, but I was the one at fault. I was not being true to my feelings about Christian denominations.

• Shut Up, Leave, Find: Being "church hurt" was not the reason why I left my foundation. I just think differently than them. But when I express some of my views, most times in non-verbal ways I was hit with much judgment. The blows still hurt. One day, I quietly yet officially left. Some people find themselves being non-religious but spiritual. Some change religions. Some are still searching. I found myself on the road to healing at another church, a non-denominational church. I've gotten a few bumps by a few church folks(definition are HERE) but I am learning how to handle them.

• Learn to Respectfully Put People in Their Place: A lot of these church people know they are wrong in how they treat people. My mother taught us to put everybody(including Adults) that are out of place, in their place. But she never taught us all the positive ways how. I am learning snark, sarcasm, & shade are not the only "nice" methods. I had to learn to be respectfully honest when someone who has church hurt me in the past says, "I've been missing you". I say, "No, you haven't. Let's just Hi and don't lie" with a smile of comfort.

• Define & Show My Christianity: Nobody can love God for me. Since I chose to love him in a Christian manner, I have to follow the rules.
  
  One of the rules is "Love One Another". I am working on that. It's easy to viciously finger wag & bad mouth someone who "Church Hurts" you when they do wrong. But an eye for an eye, we all end up blind. If I hate how they treated me, acting like they do is dumb. I have to show them how to treat people. I must show them the truest meanings of two other rules, Matthew 7:1-3 & Matthew 7:12

• Pray: I made this most important step last, but it goes within every step as I recover. I have to make sure I'm doing & saying the right thing. I don't want to hurt anyone, in or out of the church. (I wonder if I have "church hurt" anyone) Only God can properly guide me. And one of the best ways to seek his guidance is in prayer.

Again I said, I'm recovering. I'm on the road to getting back to wholeness. Whole people Live Whole Lives. Hurt People Hurt People. Both statement are easy to understand. One takes work. All great things do.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Hgh School Crushes, Would You Date Them As Adults?

I swear I watch a lot of shows that make me happy I am older. Black & Sexy TV has a show, Hello Cupid Reboot that does this very thing. The premise of the show includes two best friends (Baron & Derick) from high school, an unrequited high school crush (Mo), a dating app (Hello Cupid) & a bet.

Oh & the backdrop is a few days, maybe weeks before a 10 year high school reunion. Yep, the shenanigans are hilarious.

But the part that best friends don't know that we, the Black & Sexy TV fans know is their high school crush as an adult has a high strung attitude when she gets mad. We've seen her go off on her last boyfriend on a previous show called Chef Julian Since midway episode one, I've been waiting on her to go off. Heck, I would and I think I am much more level headed than Mo.

But the show got me to thinking, would anyone really want to date their high school crushes as adults.

Look at those roller prints

Changing Faces Inspired

Most people change at least a little bit as they get older. One of the very reasons why, I probably wouldn't date anyone I had a crush on in high school, they aren't the same. They changed. We all did, I hope. I did. I don't wear foam rollers to bed every night. I did in high school. Thanks to Facebook telling me I might know people, I think most of my crushes are married. Only 2, that I know of are single.

I didn't know those people

And they aren't "my type", now. One is now Muslim. Yeah, that an easy no. I'm a Christian. And the other guy, I've seen at an event in the recent past. He was very unnecessarily dismissive. He wedged himself in a conversation and the only thing he said to me was to smugly justify his intrusion. He wasn't rude high school. Well, I didn't think he was.

That is another thing to realize about crushes, the perceived fantasy. How many of our high school crushes were based off of known non-physical personality facts? My guess is very little.

Yep, I believed the movies
LoL

The guy who is Muslim now, was so cute to me. A classmate of mine told him I liked him and he came and introduced himself to me during lunch. He so was nice & courteous to me when in each other's presence. But one day I sat and thought over an incident where his buds jokingly told him I was a few table near at lunch, he didn't stop them.

Actually, he kind of snickered at some of the jeers. Then later on he saw me and pleasantly spoke. I, like a dumb butt in lust greeted him back. He was just being cordial but for some naïve reason I heard a R&B love ballad. His reaction with buds became a lesson later in life. And trust me, unrequited crushes teach you lessons for a lifetime.

Matter of fact, finding out a few of my crushes thought I was "too much of a good girl", "ugh" or "my buddy, here" was a lifesaver. Back then phrases like those stung my feelings or confused me.

My Favorite School Picture

Now, I feel like a guy saying I'm "too much of a good girl" means he didn't want to do a lot of work to get in between my legs. And that's alright. That "diss" was protection from heartbreak, teen pregnancy, STDs, & a reputation I didn't need & want. And I thank God for giving me the mind not to show that guy how "wrong" he was, but one to move forward & later learn from those moments. Moments that help me handle life as an adult now. *sigh* Isn't it good wisdom is not wasted on the young.

Maybe two of the characters are still stuck in the fantasy of their high school crush. Oh but I will have my popcorn ready for when the adult truth hits. Oh high school crushes, may they forever stay the pure imagine of love & light, we thought we wanted.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Who Loves You, Baby? It Better be You!!!

Here's A Question

That's the Answer!

Saw that on Football Nerd's nephew, Vinny B's Facebook page, and I thought it is a lovely ice breaker for this post.

Until I stop hearing whining about not having Valentine's Day Date, I will still be preaching Self Love.

Until I stop seeing articles like How To: Spend Valentine's Day Alone or 7 Ways For All The Single Ladies To OWN Valentine's Day This Year, I'll stop posting about Self Love. Until very divisive memes like that one are not shared & like, I'm talking Self Love

I am tired of people wrapping all their self-worth into companionship, especially on a particular day. Last year, I was low-key mourning even though I had put myself back on the market the month earlier. I still made a post about self-love because to whine about who is not in my life is wrong.

The most mind-boggling part to me is that most people (single, in a dating relationship, & married) know to love themselves. I just don't know if they don't or don't know how to. The funny part is we love ourselves in small ways every day. I have 4 small signs that I always rely on to keep tabs on my fondness of myself.

• How is my physical & mental health? Am I trying to be as healthy as I can be? We know if we are not drinking enough water. We know if we are not getting enough rest. We if we are keeping up with our body's maintenance via health care provider appointments. I said health care provider because some of us need to check in with mental health specialists to talk some things out. I for one am a proponent for therapy. Yes, I am a Christian and I got the Lord. I also believe God gave some humans the knowledge to help us be mentally balanced. Mental health is still a part of your health. And again you know if you are or are not taking care of yourself.
  

• Speaking of mental health, what do you say about yourself, here is a meme to consider. We have enough negative outside forces to dodge that are trying to feed all kinds of stuff into us all the time. Why would we feed more crap into us? If you are trying to love yourself, tell yourself loving things. I Am Enough!!! I Am Proud of Myself!!! I Am Not Fine but It Is Ok,  I Will Be!!! Until I Value Me, I Can't Value My Time!!! I Am Kind, I Am Smart, I Am Important!!!
  
  
• Do you have theme music? Here is an experiment to do for a month. Watch how you dress with music you love for one week. The next week, get dressed without music. Then repeat the steps for two more weeks. If you don't look better to & feel better about yourself after getting ready with music, I'll tip my hat to you. I have two "Getting Dress" playlists, one sacred list & one secular list. There is some about hearing this lyric to Nothing to Lose,  that empowers me to take on this world and all its crud. "He Gave Me Nothing to Lose but All To Gain" It can all bounce off because God didn't give that nothingness. I don't have to take it in. Then the song above. I heard these lyrics years ago and want to raise my fist in pride. "She's A Girl That Can't Be Beat Born And Raised On Ghetto Streets She's A Devastating Beauty A Pretty Girl With Ebony Eyes". A song that describes me. Theme music doesn't have to be only played when you are getting dressed. It should be played when you feel the need to be liberated. It needs to be listened to push what you love into you. No one wants to love the negative. Well, I don't think they do. So, your theme music more than likely reflects what is positive to you. 

  

  Ol' Sloppy Drunk Chicken
  Came out of the oven falling forward

• Every so often does something simple that you love. For example when you are shopping for bath soap. Pick a fragrance that you love even if no one else in your home would like it. Get them all that same scent that they like. I love to make Oven Beer Can Chicken as soon as it gets cold. It's a "dangerous" meal but I really take pride in making it. Recently, every time I wanted to make it for dinner, something would get in the way. Somebody wanted a meal before I put it on the schedule. Thanksgiving is coming up, we are already having turkey. Mom & Alura, whose 19 are going to the store, and I don't have bail money (legit concern of mine). And my distractions could go on & on. Well Super Bowl Sunday, I made this dish. I usually let them have party food that day. Well, not this year. They like it too so, I won't get any complaints. But just something simple like that. If you love it, do it sometimes.

Those are the little reminders I use to make sure I'm loving myself. Things to let me know I am checking in to make I'm ok. Loving yourself is not selfish. It's just knowing yourself, well. I read somewhere there are 5 Love Languages.

• Gifts
• Quality time
• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service (devotion)
• Physical touch (intimacy)

No one can truly love you if you don't teach them. And well you can't teach something you don't fluently speak. Be Fluent in You!!!

Oh and if I don't get to tell you on the 14th, Happy Valentine's Day!!!

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

It's February!!!

You guys know I am crazy about two months, February & June. June because my birthday is in that month. February because it contains 3 key interests of mine.

Now this year, I am going to be a little busy towards the beginning of this month. But I promise to give you posts on time.

Yes, I'm sappy! I celebrate Valentine's Day! I've heard talks of afternoon plans with a pal. Nothing major, just hanging out.

But if I don't, I still have church services to attend and a God & a me to love on. Days before, I will release a post for everyone to learn to love. Yes, that is the hint. Oh, I figured out which Healthier Dessert (You have read that  POST, right?) I will be making my loved ones. I will be making the Healthy Lemony Yogurt Loaf Cake.

February 14 will be on a Sunday. Most Sunday's my aunts stop by to visit with my grandmother after their church services let out. They are a little spoiled because I provide something for them to snack on while I'm cooking dinner for my household. Lemon is one of the only agreed upon flavors in my family. Plus, that's more people to eat the cake and less leftover for us.

The only Black History Month story I will be telling be telling this year, is my own. While, an actress of the same culture as I, who thinks that the observance, award shows that celebrate mostly black cultures and BET (and channels like it) where strangely the majority of the movies she is in are shown, should be banned, I will tell you how Black History Month help me decide to start living my authentic self everywhere I go.
You will be surprised the people that never got to experience all of  Outspoken_Diva the Churchy Blerd of the past. I was so "good" at only living parts of me places, that my real identity confuses them now. Then, there are the people who never knew I struggle when I was younger. So, until I write my full memoir, I'll give you a peak in. Can't tell someone else's story and refuse to tell your own.

And now let me get on my soap box. I'm only going to get on it once this month on the blog. We know February is American Heart Month. We know to get "Get Your Blood Pressure Under Control". We know "Quit Smoking". We know "Reduce Your Sodium Intake".

Yet, 1 in 4 deaths are heart disease related, Heart disease is the leading cause of death for both men and women. More than half of the deaths due to heart disease in 2009 were in men. And before age 50, African-Americans' heart failure rate is 20 times higher than that of whites.

I've gone to that One funeral. That funeral was of a black man who didn't make it to 40. He was one of my best friends. Oh and his funeral was not in February. It was in May of 2014. I never want to look in the casket of a person I know because of this again. I don't want to get that kind of news anymore. I have clients that wonder why many of the recipes I suggest are salt-free or reduced in salt. I simply tell them, I don't know how to cook with salt. And I don't. I try sometimes. When I was learning to cook, we learned my grandmother had high blood pressure & pains in her heart muscle called angina. When the doctor told her to cut out salt. She was cooking 95% of our meals so, that is what we did. She's still living. She's in her early 90's. I don't credit a reduced salt diet to all of that but I know it helps. And she is just one of the heart health stories in my family. I don't wear the Red Dress pin and say "Go Red" just for her and other women. I wear it because I know the effects of not living as heart healthy as one can be. I wear the pin because it was cuter than grief. Grief is not cute to wear. Not living a more heart healthy life leads to somebody to grieve. Not living a more heart healthy life is not cute. Don't we all want to be cute.

Alright, I'm through preaching for now. If you follow me on other forms of social media, you know I'm going to start back up as soon as I see something to share. all year long. It's more than just my job & stuff I do for my family, it's in my heart. Well, I'm in tears now, So, I will stop here.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY

Easter is my favorite holiday. Most people like Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Easter is the holiday I love.

As a kid, it meant getting Two pretty dresses (I am still a fan of pastel colors), new shoes & a different hairstyle to be in front of the congregation to say my Easter speech.

I only went to one Easter egg hunt in my life and it was Not as fun as having Breakfast with Easter Bunny at Joske's (now Dillard's)(anyone remembers Joske's, LoL) for 7 years straight. It was just a busy time event for my mom to take my older sister and me to so she could get our outfits out of layaway when the store opened. It was a basic breakfast buffet, a kiddie activity and pictures with Easter Bunny but, in my, Under 9-year-old mind, it was so much fun. Getting tickled at the simple things that excited me back then. And it was a candy eating time for my cousin and me. We didn't get a lot of chance to eat candy at home, Just holidays. Dying eggs was fun also.

Oh yes, I have wonderful memories of Easter. But they pale in comparison to the Real Reason for the day. JESUS was born and wrapped in Rags, Just to Die but Get Back Up for the Salvation of Us, a bunch of Filthy Rags. We don't give gifts, have parades, or watch a bowl games. We just have a simple celebration about the Greatest Act of Kindness Anyone could do. It's so cliche' to say BUT Jesus didn't have to do any of it. Get arrested, be beaten, died, went to hell, preached a revival, set the captives free, and got back up with ALL power in his hands. Nobody but Jesus would do all of that for us. Anybody deserves a parade & gifts is him. All he wants is our hearts but deserves our ALL. I love him for all he did for me but Saving Me is the best thing he ever did. From Warm Childhood memories, before I knew to Thankful Reasons after I knew, Easter will Always be my Favorite Holiday.