Being Church Hurt: Recovery Mode

Warning: If you usually respond to church "controversies" with "That Is Why I Don't...", LEAVE NOW!!! Never in the mood for those attitudes. This is MY blog. DISCUSSIONS ONLY!!!

I can honestly say God laid this post on the heart. I am a Recovering  From Church Hurt Christian. That's My Truth. Oh, and I still attend church. Not in the way people, who are not me would like. But I still attend. I'm not here to talk to the church people who hurt us. You'll understand why later. I am not even going to tell you the many ways & places, I have experienced church hurt. I want us, the "Church Hurt", to get better. There are so many people hurt by people in the church all the time. The crazy part is we don't always talk about being hurt in positive ways. Like the humans we are, we complain about how we were hurt. But what are we doing about healing hurt?

• Looked At How I Was Raised: I was raised to not drink the church's Kool-Aid without lemon. It is something that people who know that I was raised by the chairman of the deacon board, church clerk, & assistant youth director are shocked about.
  
  But yeah, I was really raised with that mindset. The best lemons I've always used were Common Sense, Study, & Understanding. Common Sense makes you hear the right or wrong that is said. Study to know for yourself and not just prove folks wrong. Understand that All people, including church folks, are just as human as you are. And humans are really flawed.

• Be Honest With Myself: In a previous POST, I said I denounce all Christian denominations as a teenager. I just wanted to be Christian. But I was a minor and had to wait until I was 18 to leave foundation church(what I call the church I grew up in). At age 20, I made the step to not go to foundation as much. But I was still going sometimes with my friends' churches, that were other Christian denominations. In that process, those churches & people annoyed me. I was really seeing their faults, but I was the one at fault. I was not being true to my feelings about Christian denominations.

• Shut Up, Leave, Find: Being "church hurt" was not the reason why I left my foundation. I just think differently than them. But when I express some of my views, most times in non-verbal ways I was hit with much judgment. The blows still hurt. One day, I quietly yet officially left. Some people find themselves being non-religious but spiritual. Some change religions. Some are still searching. I found myself on the road to healing at another church, a non-denominational church. I've gotten a few bumps by a few church folks(definition are HERE) but I am learning how to handle them.

• Learn to Respectfully Put People in Their Place: A lot of these church people know they are wrong in how they treat people. My mother taught us to put everybody(including Adults) that are out of place, in their place. But she never taught us all the positive ways how. I am learning snark, sarcasm, & shade are not the only "nice" methods. I had to learn to be respectfully honest when someone who has church hurt me in the past says, "I've been missing you". I say, "No, you haven't. Let's just Hi and don't lie" with a smile of comfort.

• Define & Show My Christianity: Nobody can love God for me. Since I chose to love him in a Christian manner, I have to follow the rules.
  
  One of the rules is "Love One Another". I am working on that. It's easy to viciously finger wag & bad mouth someone who "Church Hurts" you when they do wrong. But an eye for an eye, we all end up blind. If I hate how they treated me, acting like they do is dumb. I have to show them how to treat people. I must show them the truest meanings of two other rules, Matthew 7:1-3 & Matthew 7:12

• Pray: I made this most important step last, but it goes within every step as I recover. I have to make sure I'm doing & saying the right thing. I don't want to hurt anyone, in or out of the church. (I wonder if I have "church hurt" anyone) Only God can properly guide me. And one of the best ways to seek his guidance is in prayer.

Again I said, I'm recovering. I'm on the road to getting back to wholeness. Whole people Live Whole Lives. Hurt People Hurt People. Both statement are easy to understand. One takes work. All great things do.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

My Funniest Date Fear

Saw this meme in a Facebook group. I'm a Christian & not keen on a first date being at church. First dates are already awkward & unknown. Imagine some church missionary coming to meet you like this guy's date. Heck, I just got nervous typing that. Going to each other's churches is important. I just think that might be the step after introducing him to my friends, but before introducing him to my family. I definitely don't want to do it for the first date.

I once read a story about a lady meeting a blind date at the church on a Friday night. She thought maybe the guy worked there and they would leave once he got off work. That was not the case. The date was a Church Shut In service. A Shut-In is an all-night worship service in which participants engage in a variety of spiritual educational activities like prayer, testimonies, singing & listening to music to usher in the Holy Spirit into the participants' lives. 

The crazy part is that I have a fear I will end up having a church date like that, someway, somehow. It is probably one of the main reasons why I question people when they want to play matchmaker.
Wanna Be Matchmaker: They have to have a job. Love their mom.
Me: Ok Yeah
Wanna Be Matchmaker: And they have to be into the church
Me: Oh No! Oh No! You are Not qualified to set me up on a date. No! No!! No!!!
That scene is a true story.

So yeah, Let's hold off on the church visits for 4-6 months of exclusivity. Gives us a chance to observe each other outside of the church. Allows me to prepare for the church mother & the pastor. And if a church shut-in is what "spend the night together" means, I'm not your girl.

Love that the guy wants to fully share God with me, but that is very intimate. I think that will go on the engagement or married activity list. While dating, we'll find other ways to show one another our God in other creative ways.

Don't show too much, too soon.

In the comments, let me know if you would go to church as a 1st Date.

As Always Talking to You in Adult Terms

Not Interesting in Dating: Denominations of Christianity (A Grey Area)

I’m a Christian. I will not date a non-Christian at all. At this point in life, I will Never be in a relationship where God will debate. We can know each other & be friendly but we will not date. When I was younger I dated guys that were not Christian and there was one that always wanted to debate. I argued back but that was annoying. Unequally yoked dated life is not for "The Diva". 

A Man must basically believe that God is the Father, who provides All that we need, and in him, we Must trust. Jesus is his son and he Died for our sins, Rose again, 40 days later went back to Heaven and preparing a place for us and Will be back again for us one day. And finally, know that we are not without God on this Earth because he sent the Holy Spirit to comfort us until the day his son returns. Also, he must believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God. He has to be wholeheartedly be trying to be the best Christian, he can be and not a stereotype. A man I date must pray every day & throughout the day and have a relationship with God. He must not just own a Bible but read it and sometimes other Christian-based books to help in understanding outside of the church. He must have some kind of church affiliation. I don’t mean he has to go to church every Sunday (but he does need a good reason why he doesn’t). I mean he is a part of a body of believers that he has an Earthly relationship with where he is being fed the word, gives his tithes (Oh, he must be tither) and offering at least and he is encouraged to be the best Man of God he can be. So you ask, what is the problem

Okay, so you know by now because of The Church Switch blog, I grew up in a traditional Southern Missionary Baptist Church, yet I never understood the purpose of Christian denominations. There is Anglican, Christian Science, Baptist, COGIC, Methodist, Catholic, Apostolic, Lutheran, and the list goes on. Why the division? When we get to Heaven, we won't be segregated, why the separation on Earth? Eventually, I decided other than the fact Man has Free-Will, All Christianity denominations are not necessary.  Matter of fact I decided that Christian Denominations and Street Gangs can sometimes act alike. I now go to a Non-Denominational church which is still a Denomination but it’s as close to a “Just Christian” church as I can get.

Well in my dating life, if I only date guys who go to “Non-Denominational” churches, I have limited myself much more than I already have. But I have to be careful on dating Christian men because I have run across some characters. 1. Many don’t understand the difference between Christianity as a Religion and the particular Christian denomination they are affiliated with. You will be surprised by how many adult men answer the question “Are you religious?” Or “What religion do you practice?” with “I’m Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, COGIC, etc., instead of “I’m Christian” and wait for me to then ask “What denomination or type of church do you attend?”. Was I the only one paying attention to World History and learning the difference between Religion & Denominations? 2. Some are so steeped into their denomination that they can be very close-minded. I met a man that was COGIC and he truly believe the “You can’t join in, you have to be born in” of the COGIC Church Anthem. He thought that I was not “Saved & Sanctified” enough because my Christian education was different from his. Both my foundation church & church home were types of churches he felt that was not disciplined enough when teaching the word. 3 The type of guy, well actually person, that has never stepped foot inside a particular church or type of church but believes every report, story, lie or rumor about the place. I had heard about an infamous ATM in the foyer of my church home before attending. It took me months to find this ATM. It’s next to the Bookstore near the original sanctuary that is used for a chapel for bible study, overflow, and youth church. It is not right outside the main sanctuary like people make it seem. My leader of the “Bad Ex” list was one of the people that told me that. I attended that for the 1st time almost 4 months before we broke up. I never told him that, too. Yes, hindsight is so 20/20.

Character type number 1 is doable. It’s all about not knowing the terminology. That’s something I might teach him if he is open. But numbers 2 & 3, I am not interested in dating. It’s too negative. I like open-minded Christian men. I know we all have our reservations about each denomination but to believe them without any kind of experience is wrong. It’s just dating. The dating process was designed to lead me to my future mate, in my opinion. I don’t walk a path without any association with the cobblestones aligning way. None of us do. Never know my mate might not be a Non-Denominational Christian but I do know he will be a member of a Christian church with a welcoming open-mindedness like his and mine. If not then he’s not My Mate.

Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

Not Interesting in Dating…

I was on Facebook and I saw a post of a former classmate and I remembered when I ran into that classmate in the club. We were catching up and she was shocked that I was even there and the fact I was single and said “I thought you would be married to a pastor by now”.  I know I had a WTH facial expression to her statement because I do not date Pastors, Associate Ministers, Deacons or any important church leaders. If you see me dating one, Know that that was an act of God. God personally came to me and said “Date Him”! It is not because I am not worthy or a dislike to them. Life just had funny way of crafting my taste in men.

I grew up in the home of the Chairman of the Deacons at my foundation (childhood home church). He was my late grandfather. It’s after 7 pm now as I type this. We have had dinner and now we are resting and watching TV. Do you know how mind boggling it is for the doorbell to ring or the phone to ring because somebody needs to be let inside the church or the alarm is going off and can he come turn it off or let them in? What about the call to say somebody died? Many of you got to go home right after church. Nope, not me or anyone else that rode to church with my grandfather (yeah I know we could’ve walked because we lived around the corner, down the street and across the street from the church but we didn’t okay(inner city living)) because he had to be in a few brief meetings, sometimes help lock up, and do other things deacons do. Most times it would be no more than thirty minutes but there were a few occasions that the time was longer. Also my grandfather had to keep many secrets. Some stuff he couldn’t tell my grandmother and family. I know many that tell their wives and families what is discussed in meetings, my grandfather did not discussed nothing that was not common knowledge or did not involve us (dangerous or non-dangerous). If he did, it was to pick our brains and we were sworn to strict confidence. 

Okay, I was the granddaughter of a deacon. Think about the family of the Pastor. Most of those times if my family was waiting, the first lady was waiting also for the pastor. I loved that lady, God rest her soul. One day, I put myself in her shoes. Life as a child in the home the Deacon Chairman was no way near as crazy as hers. On top of the most of the stuff my grandfather did, add Members, Church Leaders, & Other Pastors calling your house for your husband all day and night. Your spouse having to be at hospitals, funerals, meetings, churches, conventions and other places all the time. It’s his job. Then add the floozies that go after married men and the chicks that just want to snag them a preacher that would drive me insane.  My life with my grandfather was a breeze compared to her. I knew then I don’t think I am made for life with a church leader. Not a bad life at all. I just don't think it's my life.

This does not mean I don’t require the men I date to be God-fearing Christians. We need to be equally yoked even in dating. I believe what I believe and he need to believe in what I believe too. I know there are good men (even some nice-looking men) I am excluding but I’ve seen that life I don’t want get any closer to it than I already have. I will say God may change my heart and the love of my life may be a church leader but he’s still working on me and maybe that is an area that he will work on. Maybe! *smile*

So yeah, I showed her. LMBO Just because I was a "church girl" to her doesn't mean to box me in a pick my type of man. As you see on the outside looking in doesn't make you know the whole story.

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms

The Church Switch

I am in the population of people who does not attend the church that I grew up in. I only go to that church for weddings and funerals. It was a decision that was years in the making. But a decision that I will never regret and helped form my spiritual being.

I grew up in a traditional Southern Missionary Baptist church. Being the daughter of an Assistant Youth Director and the granddaughter of the Chairman on the Deacon Board and the Church Clerk, 1/3 of my week belonged to the church. I was baptized at eight years, got saved at 13 years old, and caught the Holy Spirit for the 1st time at 16 years old. I was a Youth Usher, Youth Announcement Clerk. I was a substitute BTU (Baptist Training Union) & Children's Church activity leader. I participated in Sunday School & Youth Mission activities at my local church, district, citywide & national events  I did welcomes, speeches, narrations, and devotions. I was upfront and center all the time. 

Somewhere around 14 or 15, I realized I didn't really fit in. My thinking was different from my church peers and church family. I believe in the basics that were taught but the methods & programs, I could not agree with. They weren't wrong, they just were not me. It was hard feeling like that but the older I got the more dissatisfied I was. Soon I realized I could care less about being Baptist. It was more for me to experience in worship. I wasn't ingesting and digesting what was fed to me well. It needed to be something on my level.  I also felt like All Christianity denominations were not necessary. When we get to Heaven, we won't be segregated, why the separation on Earth? So, I decided to bide my time and soon as I could I was leaving. I told no one of my feelings and my decision (Many still don't know and really understand, Oh well!!). When I went off to college I went to church with my friends of other denominations and that furthered my thoughts about my "Christian Church Separation" issue. Matter of fact I decided that Christian Denominations and Street Gangs are alike. I graduated college and returned to church home but that lasted a year and a half. It was me not them. That sounds Cliche' but it is Very True. I had to admit it finally: "I just wanted to be a Christian".

I left there and now I attend a Non-denominational Christian church. I love it. The funny thing is I was not looking to ever go to this church. I only went with my male BFF one New Years' Eve because he just had to go when he moved to the Metroplex. No, I don't get to go all the time (Thank God for Web Streaming & Rebroadcasts). One day I'm going to join a ministry. I'm thinking Medical. What I don't want to be is in front all the time. It feels good to sit there and just take it all in. I'm at the point in life that God's people don't need to hear from me right now. Let them hear from someone else. He has something else for me to do and the "church" limelight is not where I need to do it right now.

I know some people will Never understand people like me. To them, it is like I gave up on my foundation church. To them, it is like I threw a wealth of church knowledge & training away. That is not what I did. I used it to boost me in my Christian growth. If one truly wants to know what anyone who has left knew or that they felt they need help or support felt them in any way. I feel one should ask at least first. I know I don't have to be there physically to support anyone. I just don't like when people feel slighted because someone leaves a church for another church. One never knows what God is ordering them to do. Families support their loved ones in pursuits to better themselves. Church families should Not think any different when it pertains to true Christian growth.

I Thank God for my childhood church. I learned so much from it, in words and experiences. As you see I called it "Foundation Church". Because as I add to this building, I have a strong foundation to build upon. It doesn't crack or shift. I know a few people who have cracked and many that don't have a foundation at all. So I'll never forget about my Foundation Church. It's what holds this building up. You never know when you have to rely on a good hymn or action song to get you through. :)

As Always, Talking to You in Adult Terms